Alright so I’ve been reading the book, “The Peacegiver” like I mentioned before that I was going to be reading to help myself with some healing etc. and it’s already starting to help some healing, I think.
Before I start this though, I have to say all of what I’m writing here is very personal and I hesitated about making this a public post because I know not everyone is believes the same as me. I also hesitated because some of it is so personal so just so you know it is a personal post with my religious beliefs in it about forgiveness and the atonement that came out written the way it did. I decided to post this even though I was hesitant because maybe it will help someone else to read some of my thoughts here too.
So, the other day I was reading in the book and I read this part that said, “When we withhold forgiveness from others, we are in effect saying that the atonement alone was insufficient to pay for this sin” and what hit me is that it doesn’t just mean when we withhold forgiveness from others, it also means when we withhold forgiveness from ourselves, which I do very well as I’m sure others do very well too. Also what hit me was that my withholding forgiveness from myself is in effect my saying that the atonement isn’t good enough for me and it wasn’t good enough to pay for my sins and my mistakes and I crumbled under the realization of that while reading.
Then I read another part that said, “The atonement applies as much to one person as to another. The Lord has claimed and taken upon him all our sins and we need to let it go” – such a simple statement – “Let it go”, but it seems so hard to do just that when I need to do it the most. Then I read further and it said this, “You don’t need to let it go. It will go by itself if you come to the Lord. He’s already let it go for you. That’s part of his atonement. You just need to allow him to take it from you” and that’s where some of my battle comes in. All I have to do is let him take it from me, but for some reason I have myself in a tug of war not wanting to let it go and wanting to punish myself, for what? I don’t know, but it’s like I don’t think I’ve done enough time for my mistakes somehow and all I have to do is let him take it…all I have to do is give it to him and not take it back.
Or like Cory said to me once when we were discussing forgiveness, the past sin or mistake is like a grave we visit to learn from the mistake and remind ourselves sometimes, but it’s not meant to be dug up again and I’ve dug some of the past up again and still battle with that at times. Also it’s like one of my counselors said to me once when he said that I needed to use my past to learn from my mistakes and not use it to kick myself while I’m down. I have to let it go and give it to the Lord although something like what I have to give to Him isn’t a all at once here you go I’m done thing – it’s more of a process – at least for me it has been so far.
Reading further on, it read, “our failure to forgive is in essence a withholding from the Lord” and when I read that I broke down because I don’t want to withhold anything from the Lord, but I’ve been doing just that with my failure to fully forgive myself of my past. If I let it go and give it to Him, I’ll have peace – that’s what promised to me so why do I or have I been hanging on to the turmoil as my companion for so long.
I know I’m not the judge, but thinking about it, haven’t I suffered enough for my past by now that I shouldn’t feel the need to punish myself anymore for my past. I know I will still feel pain and grief and suffering to an extent throughout the rest of my life with some of the things from my past, but it will be so much easier when I let the Lord take it from me.
I don’t know how to explain it, but my reading and realizing or re-realizing some of these things from reading this book again and other things in life all coming together are bringing about some much needed healing for myself. I can feel it coming – something or someone that is tapping on my walls and they’re quivering like they’re about to finally crumble after all these years…I feel like a break through is coming on.
It’s just lately as things have been changing and I’ve begun to finally start to really feel it sink it even more than before that I am a good person and that Cory and others really are on my side and things have finally begun to show up and head toward the happily ever after I always thought I’d have, but then thought was lost forever for such a long time that I’ve started to feel like I don’t know that I need to be this hard person with all these fortified walls in the same way anymore.
I’m not sure how to put it into words because it’s still in the making inside of me, but it’s like I’m getting tired of fighting and keeping my walls up and as much as a part of me is still a little scared of the thought, I’m starting to want to let people in to me and my private, safe place again because I’m starting to finally see and know that they can be trusted with me, my heart and soul in my private, safe place. It’s taken me years to get here and I never thought I would, but yet here I am on the verge and feeling this break through coming on after all these years.
Speaking of all of this, thinking about my previous post…I did think after I wrote it that I also thought of my time I spent with my Dad making wonderful memories when I was a little girl and how much they meant to me and how I was happy to know that both my girls get to have those kind of memories with their Dads when they wouldn’t have had any of those had I parented them because their Bio dads wouldn’t have been in their lives. I also did have another thought of Cory with our little kid skating and dancing one day.
So, there are more positives showing up for me and things are finally coming to a point of a break through and more healing that needs to happen for me.