Why Is It So Hard?

Why does the pain hurt so bad sometimes  and

why does it feel like my heart will break in half

from all the heartache and pain on somedays

when I want to curl up and cry it all out

But why do the tears never stop

why do the tears not even seem to help sometimes

why do I fall into this hole of sadness

feeling like I don’t deserve what I have

Why do I feel like I have to keep punishing myself

for all the things I’ve done wrong

when I didn’t know they were wrong

why do I add to my own hurt so much

Why am I so mean to myself

when I have done nothing wrong

why does it never seem to go away

all this excruciating pain…

How do I let it go

and stop hurting myself even more

how do I stop this

when all I want is to escape this pain

Why do I always question myself

why do I always question everything

Am I good enough

Do I really deserve to have another child

What if I’m not a good mother

when I do have children that I raise

What if I won’t be able to do it right

or do it good enough?

What if I won’t be able to give equal attention

to my children I raise and those I placed

What if my children feel jealous of each other

What if those I parent resent those I placed or

what if those I placed resent those I parent

Do I deserve to have more children

Will I be a good mother to more children

Do I deserve any of this

Do I deserve to be happy?

Why do I always question

and hurt myself so much?

Oh, please, just let me be free

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