More Downer Stuff…

Okay so a little update from the teacher story I related here the other day…I went and talked with an advisor at school about other matters and told her the story of what happened with this teacher.  She was appalled to hear that I had been treated that way by a teacher there at the University and apologized to me on behalf of the University for that happening to me.  Then she also told me that she thought I should go talk to the Department head of the department where this particular teacher works and let the dept. head know what had happened with this teacher.  She also mentioned that if I wanted to lodge a complaint against the teacher I’d have to go through talking with the department head first and then it would go up through the Dean here at the college so we’ll see what happens after I talk to the department head about this.

The other thing I was thinking of writing about here was more negative because I don’t know…I guess some of the blues is going around with people lately and I’ve had them a little bit as well.  Partially because of school and especially what happened recently with this stupid teacher and partially because of the fact that my oldest bdaughter’s birthday is coming up in about a month or little less than a month now and she’ll be turning 4 years old already.  Anyway, I’m starting to think and wonder what I’m going to do for writing her the birthday letter, which is usually kind of hard to do and thinking what should I get her for her birthday this year…you know how it goes when the birthday time approaches from a birth/first mom’s perspective.  Well and Valentine’s Day was just a few days ago and I got an e-card sent to my girls, but I’m late on mailing a Valentine’s package to my girl that’s going to have the birthday soon and feeling bad about being late sending the Valentine’s package to my bdaughter and her family.  I’ve also been feeling bad about being behind on e-mailing to my girls and their families…I have letters half written that I’ve been working on and trying to get done, but been busy on and off and haven’t quite finished or sent them yet.  I wrote both families to let them know what was up and that I was working on letters to get to them as soon as possible and they understand, but I still kind of feel bad about it when I fall behind with things sometimes and put extra pressure or what not on myself, I guess.

Well and then the other day we were talking about abuse in one of my classes, which I can usually handle, but I still have times where it’s hard for me to think about or talk about abuse and things because sometimes it triggers things or brings things back to memory that I thought I already dealt with.  Well and sometimes I have dealt with them, but I keep having to re-deal with them at times…it really is rather annoying sometimes.

So, thinking of triggers and having a hard time with my insecurities and that stupid little voice at times…brought about my writing these thoughts the other day…

Does this voice ever go away?  Does it ever shut up already?

Will these insecurities, damaged spots and wounds ever leave me in peace in this lifetime, I wonder sometimes…

Why is it that I feel  I can’t win sometimes…It seems if I talk about the past, it hurts or makes me feel ashamed and so low at times, but then if I don’t talk about the past, I feel even worse…

Why do these wounds feel like they have gone so deep…Why are there so many freakin triggers to deal with and things that bring the pain back or irritate these wounds…

Why does it seem it takes so long to heal…Why does it sometimes feel as if they’ll never really heal…

How can people, events and certain things do so much damage to one person that they have to continually cope, work on healing and forgiving from them for so long…

It’s like an onion with layers…freakin stupid, huge onion that sometimes seems like the layers never end…

I mean, ya know what I mean…I was just having a little more of a down time recently and feeling frustrated with my past and everything so I wanted to write this crap down and hope it helps to get it or some of it out of my system, ya know.

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6 comments on “More Downer Stuff…

  1. Yep, it makes total sense and I know exactly what you’re saying…I’ve kind of thought that I don’t know that it ever completely goes away too…it’s kind of like a never-ending process you deal with as things come and you have the ups, downs etc. in life.

  2. I’m sorry I missed this yesterday. Do they ever go away… see this I am really not sure of. I think it is sort of conditioning. Like for me… the first response is this fear…. and then I have to talk myself down. The fear is a physical response that I dont actually have control over. Sort of like a fight or flight type of thing. I think it takes a long time to undo that conditioning… and I think that it only takes one time to restart it. It is sort of classical that way… you know?? Like if the treat is always there… then suddenly it isnt… you keep trying… and even if for the longest time that treat isnt there…. if just once that treat shows up… you go right back to the beginning. Same with the insecurity/fear thing… It has been there for a LONG time… your body is conditioned to react a certain way… so thins change… you start feeling secure…. you go, go, go… things are good… then boom… suddenly one trigger and you are back to the start.

    Does that make sense?

    I dont know that it ever goes away completely. I think you are always susceptible to relapse.

    Not to be the downer. I think with help you can talk yourself down from the initial reaction. But I dont think you ever really, truly lose it.

  3. If/When I find answers I’ll let ya know…but for now, I think I’m just trying to figure things out when I’m on my downers and sometimes just take one day at a time, ya know.

    I hope you’re doing alright.

  4. Oh man… What questions. I seriously ask myself them all the time.

    When you find the answers, let me know. I’ll be the first to nominate you for a Nobel Prize.

  5. hey Anne- i’m sorry you’ve been having such a rough time (been following you through bloglines). keep writing. some wounds seem to heal, but its more like a scab, you know? sometimes the scab gets picked a little, and the whole thing just opens right back up.

    thinkin’ about you. hang in there.

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