I Don’t Like Sleeping…

Okay so I decided after waking up from my bad dream/nightmare that I don’t like sleeping very much right now.  Seriously, I sometimes wish I didn’t have to sleep at all.  I dream too much sometimes, I think and I don’t know where some of these dreams come from, ya know.

I had a really weird, pretty bad dream last night about my boyfriend and stuff.  It was just totally weird cause it didn’t make sense and it really disturbed me and I woke up crying and all distraught, which I don’t think has happened in a while, but yeah I wish I could just not dream sometimes, if ya know what I mean.

Anyway, a brief version of my bad dream was that I dreamed that my sister and family from California came and took my car and I was upset because then I didn’t have a car or any way to get around to school and stuff right.  I was all upset, ranting and raving about them taking/trying to take my car from me and then I found out that my Dad had said they could take it because he needed the money or something to do with money and I was so ticked off in my dream.

In my dream, I started ranting, raving, screaming, cussing and basically throwing a major fit about it all and I was all distraught over them trying to take my car and what I should do and my boyfriend was standing there watching me throw my fit and everyone in my dream was trying to talk to me to calm me down and I wouldn’t let them.  Well after a while of my throwing a fit in my dream, my sister and family drove off in my car and left me crying and totally stressed out about what I was going to do without my car etc. etc. and how I was going to get to school etc. now and so forth and then my boyfriend got mad at me and gave me a note and left.

I tried to read his note in my dream and couldn’t make sense of it and then I turned to talk to him and he was gone, running off and leaving me.  I took off after him to try to talk to him or have him tell me what the note said and why he was upset about my throwing a fit or what not.  Finally I caught up to him and asked him to explain to me his note etc. and he said well, I don’t know what I was thinking…I must have been blindsided or something right to think I should be with you and then he said you better propose to me now before I leave and start talking or I don’t know if I’m going to stick around.

I was all confused, totally upset and everything at him in my dream when he said that and I said, what are you talking about you just proposed (well informally) to me the other day and we’ve already been discussing when to get married and all this stuff and now you’re going to leave me cause I threw a fit over losing my car etc. and he was like yeah because I think you’re too bratty, selfish and I don’t like that you’re all cussing like you were when you got upset.  I was like are you kidding me what the heck and he was like no, I think I was just blinded by love and I shouldn’t have let it get this far or asked you to marry me and so forth and I’m sorry I don’t know anymore.  I was dying in my dream and I’m still feeling kind of disturbed and all distraught after this dream and I can’t believe how I felt when I woke up from my very bad dream with tears streaming down my face…that hasn’t happened in quite a while.

I woke up from the sucky, way bad dream and looked around to see where I was and reassure myself the dream and all wasn’t real.  I really wanted and wished Cory was there when I woke up to hold me, calm me down and tell me it was all okay and just as stupid dream of nonsense, but he wasn’t there, of course and I haven’t seen or talked to him yet today so I’ve been on and off with this stupid dream in my head today – it sucks when I have dreams like that sometimes!!!

Well and just so you know, in real life and not dumb dream land, he did, in fact, actually informally propose to me the other  night – Sunday night and we have, in fact, been discussing when to get married and so forth recently.  I also, just last night, was thinking how lucky I was to have him and how I still don’t know how I got so lucky to find someone like him that matches me so well.

I was also thinking last night about how I don’t always know if I deserve him or someone like him who’s never been married before and so forth because I never thought I’d be with any guy except someone who’d already been married, widowed, had kids from their previous marriage or something like that.  I just never thought that any guy would want to be with me let alone marry me that hadn’t been married before and so forth like him.

I guess you could say that I always use to kind of feel and label myself to be ‘damaged goods’ and ‘used’ in my mind so I use to always think I’d have to marry whoever would take me even if they weren’t that good because I’ve my thinking (well, when I use to think a lot) of myself as ‘damaged goods’.  Where that thinking use to come from or why it use to be how I thought all the time – I don’t know.

Sometimes though that stupid little voice still tries to surface and make me wonder if I really deserve to be with someone like him because I sometimes think he’s so much better than me and that sometimes I wonder if he deserves better than me, but then I have to remind myself that is the old way of thinking and not the way I should or usually do think now, right.  I mean, it’s a work in progress and so forth, but I usually don’t dwell or think about those things as much nowadays, but every once in a while it creeps back into my mind and causes me to pause sometimes and think how did I (as in someone like me) end up with someone so great like him, ya know.

Okay, I know enough with the stupid little voice crap and I shouldn’t think that at all, I know…It just surfaces every once in a while still and I have to keep working on keeping up with ignoring it :p.

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2 comments on “I Don’t Like Sleeping…

  1. Yeah I hate that voice…it’s really annoying sometimes as you well know.

    Cory reads my blog most of the time and he got kind of upset when he read about my thinking I was ‘damaged goods’ and made me promise to not think that again or say it.

    And I dated and was with tons of losers too…it took me a long time to find a good one so there’s still one out there for you…you just have to keep hanging in there, which I know really is hard and sucks sometimes.

    (((Hugs)))

  2. Bleh. Well.. I mean other men ARE in fact like that (usually they are dating me, though! *wink*)

    You are great… you are not damaged goods.. at ALL! But your past brought you to this place.

    It is hard to ignore that voice. I know. Bleh.

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