I’m finding that I feel more intertwined with him with each day that passes if that makes any sense.
I was trying to explain this to my Dad the other day, but I didn’t know how to because it’s hard to explain or put in words, if ya know what I mean.
It’s just like okay so the other day, I had him go with me to this class field trip thing I did where we went to some church and walked a pattern on the floor. It was interesting and kind of…dumb…well…I don’t know…it was just one of those interesting, weird experiences that you have sometimes.
We were suppose to go walk this pattern on the floor and start it with a purpose, question or something. Then supposedly when you were done walking the pattern on the floor, you were suppose to have an answer or have gotten some peace out of it. It’s suppose to be some form of walking meditation or something like that.
Anyway, I don’t know that I really went and walked the pattern with any specific purpose or question in mind. I just kind of went into it seeing if it would give me any peace or de-stress me at all and I just like let my thoughts wander as I walked this pattern on the floor.
The interesting thing was that I did kind of de-stress a little and such, but the thing I noticed the most when doing this walk the pattern thing was to do with my boy. It’s just, okay, we walked it all in like single file so I didn’t walk it with him or holding his hand like he kind of wanted to and I did too, but since we were in this class setting, I just did the walk the pattern singly like the rest of them.
While I walked the pattern, I kept passing him as I was walking and we’d brush hands or grab pinky fingers for a little bit as we walked past each other and then let go again. And well, I found myself being more aware of him when he wasn’t with me, next to me, holding my hand as we were walking this pattern separately.
I mean it’s like I’m okay when he’s not with me and I’m going to school, studying and doing my stuff most of the time, right. It’s just that I don’t always miss him a lot, although okay I do sometimes probably more than not, cause we usually talk or see each other like all the time, but while we were walking this pattern not holding hands or next to each other, I felt like I missed him.
It’s like I missed him even more cause he was near me and I could have been holding his hand or next to him, but I wasn’t and it’s like I realized how much I’m becoming connected and intertwined with him, the more we get to know each other, talk, spend time together and everything. I was trying to think how to say it the other day and I didn’t know how to say it. I still don’t know really how to say it, but it’s like I was realizing how it makes me feel more complete with him, but it’s like I don’t know that complete is the right word, but I haven’t thought of the word I’m looking for or a better one than that yet when I’ve tried to think about it so far.
It’s a feeling that I don’t exactly know how to describe or put into words very well. It’s more than just being in love or loving him too, it’s something that goes deeper in a way and is more to do with heart, soul and everything and not just heart. I don’t know how to explain it here, it’s more like something very deep to do with souls…I’ll just leave it at that for now cause I don’t want to get too deep or philosophical with this just now or yet.
Part of it is that it just feels right and everything seems to fit so far and I feel peaceful about it all. I mean I’m at peace about him and our relationship so far and all, if ya know what I mean. It’s just like I said before after we’d hung out together one night…
About how when we were sitting there together next to each other, holding hands with my head on his shoulder and his head on mine, it was like we fit. I mean like our bodies and everything just felt like we fit together like puzzle pieces and it just felt so natural, normal, comfortable and right that we were with each other and fit together sitting together like that.
I don’t know how to explain it really or how I was feeling about that, but maybe some of you know what I’m trying to say here. It was just that I felt like I was…in a sense…home.
And now I feel even more like I’m…in a sense…home. That feeling that I described above in those two paragraphs from before is the same feeling now too except even more so and somewhat stronger of a feeling now too.
It’s wild and I still keep pinching myself here, but like tonight when I was with him I kept thinking to myself that I can’t believe how much I love him. It isn’t fading at all that’s for sure, it just keeps growing and I keep finding that I love him so much more each time.
Well and it’s like I’m scared of how much I care and how much I love him and how it keeps changing, evolving and growing here. I also find it harder to breathe with how much I love him, if that makes any sense at all. It’s overwhelming to me how I feel so much and so strongly about him and everything and how it keeps getting to be more and stronger when I keep thinking the feeling couldn’t possibly get to be more or any stronger.
I keep wondering when I’ll say those 3 words to him out loud. I know I will one of these days, but not sure when yet and I’m afraid I won’t be able to say them because of how overwhelming the feeling is becoming, if ya know what I mean.
Well and I don’t know if saying those 3 words out loud will do what I feel justice either. I mean it’s like it says in the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, …those 3 words, I’ve said too much and not enough… that’s what I find myself thinking about when I think about saying those 3 words out loud.
We’ll see what happens and it’ll happen when I’m ready to say it and when I can say it too…just not right now…at least not yet anyway.