and scarier here for me with this friendship and such with Cory now – AAAHHH!!!
I’m sooo freakin out! I know, I know so what else is new, but oh my gosh, I can’t believe this, I keep getting more comfortable and opening up more. I keep telling him more and everything and every time I leave from hanging out/going out with him again, I keep getting more and more vulnerable and it’s freakin the crap out of me more every time -AAHH!
I just got home about an hour ago from going bowling with him and some of his friends. I suck at bowling, by the way, the first round we played I got a “high” score of about 60 – woo hoo lol. The second round we played I did better, still not great, but I improved from the 60 to about a 90 so I got closer to a 100 before we quit the game, but man I’m not so good at bowling lol.
Then we went over to his place and sat outside and talked in the car for a while. Well, I decided to get out and do some cartwheels because I was in a way hyper weird mood earlier and then afterward, he and I sat and then laid back on the hood of the car holding hands again (eeekk lol) and looked at the stars while we talked for a while. I saw a few shooting stars and I got his attention so he kind of caught sight of one of the shooting stars and then he told me he had wanted to lay there on the hood of the car and look at the stars together so that we could see our first shooting star(s) together – aww how cute, I know *giggles*.
Anyway, we ended up having kind of a deep and more serious conversation than we have in a while or maybe ever. It all happened because he said something about how he had held hands with a couple other girls that he was friends with down in his hometown and it hadn’t meant anything and I started thinking to myself so does that mean that it doesn’t mean anything how he’s holding my hand and putting his arm around me and stuff or what.
Ya know, how us girls always analyze and over-analyze these things and wonder about them, but usually never ask, right. Well, I said something, I don’t remember what exactly and he said well what are you thinking and I was like I don’t know and tried to change the subject because I didn’t know if I wanted to ask him and find out the answer ya know.
Anyway, he worked on me a little bit and then I finally caved and said okay here’s what I was thinking. Then I told him how my question was basically does it mean anything or not his holding my hand and so he told me, I don’t have an answer for that yet, which means we’re not sure what it means just yet at this point in the friendship/relationship.
Then he told me some more things, which I was thinking and wondering about, but didn’t ask out loud, it was kind of like he read my mind. It was really kind of trippy and nerve – wracking for me.
So, he told me that he thinks of me as a really good, close friend and someone that he can turn to and feels he can talk to me about almost anything and that he’s feeling more comfortable with me like I am with him. Then he tells me like he was saying stuff like he was thinking out loud and says so am I looking for more serious, I don’t know yet, could there be something more happen here than friendship, sure there could, what will happen, I’m not sure yet.
Basically, he told me he likes me and we have a good thing going with our friendship etc. at the stage we’re at now, but he doesn’t know for sure what will happen yet as far as whether something more serious will come of this or not. Then he basically said that he’s open to something happening with me, if it does and he’s waiting to see what happens with me as time goes on just like I’m waiting to see what happens with him as time goes on here.
So, it was a good talk and what not, and we found that he and I are on the same page with what we’re thinking and feeling about things, but now I’m freakin out again on a new level of freak out and feeling even more vulnerable than before. I didn’t think I could possibly feel more vulnerable, but I do, oh boy, do I ever feel sooo exposed and totally vulnerable after that talk and everything earlier.
I can’t believe how vulnerable and exposed I feel right now – aahhh!!! I keep getting more nervous, edgy, scared, I don’t know what the word is I’m lookin for here, the more this goes on.
Well and the more I’m with him, the more I come home from being with him and feel torn between I want to go back and be with him again to I want to run and hide myself to whatever. Ahhh, what a messy emotional rollercoaster ride – I haven’t missed this part of the friends/dating/social thing in life :p.
After Cory and I finished this talking we were hugging and he was telling me to calm down and that I was fine and didn’t need to be nervous. I was like I’m not nervous and he was like I can read you pretty easy so I know and you don’t need to be nervous – ha, ha – he’s pretty funny, telling me that I don’t need to be nervous!
Of course, I have to be nervous and I am because hello, look at my history with guys and what I’ve been through in the past. If he knew all the details of my past and not just that I’ve been married and divorced, he’d understand a heck of lot better why I get so nervous, edgy and scared with these types of conversations and such.
Speaking of which, he also told me that he’s only held hands with 3 other girls so far besides me and he’s kissed only one girl so far in his life. Oh and of course, he’s never been married, which I don’t have a problem with, I just was like Wow when he was telling me some of that because I forgot what it was like to be around people who’ve only kissed 1 to 3 people and such in life.
I mean here I am, I’ve kissed and/or made out with at least 10 guys in my past. Then I’ve also been intimate with a few guys and have had and placed 2 daughters for adoption and been married and divorced compared to his record – I was like I feel like a cheap person having kissed etc. with that many people compared to his record, but then again we’re two different people despite our similarities, ya know.
Anyway, that’s the latest update with this saga now. I’m still around with him and going through it all and still going all over the place. I’m going crazy on the emotional rollercoaster ride lately and well I guess what freaked me out the most about our talk is that by saying what he did say to me, he gave me permission, in a way, to leave the door open for something to happen with him from my side.
What freaks me out the most from what he did say to me is that he, more or less, gave me permission to love/fall in love with him, if that’s where it goes. I mean, do ya get what I’m saying here…I’m freakin out because he didn’t tell me no, we’re only going to be just friends or anything, he told me, we’re doing good being friends etc. and there might be more as we go on being with each other and such.
Do you see why I am freaking out and feeling even more vulnerable and exposed here?…It’s because he’s letting me know that if it happens, I can possibly open my heart and love again and that more than anything, scares the crap out of me!!!
I’m freakin out because I have started to like him a little more than just a friend and because I’ve started to feel the beginnings of feelings for him. Now I’m freakin out even more because I’ve started to feel the beginnings of feelings/possible feelings (deeper feelings maybe) for him and he just told me tonight in a way that if I feel/start to feel that way it can happen and what not. I’m like, what, you mean he’s not going to just tell me to just be friends and stop/ignore any other feelings that might be around or might come – crap, crap, crap – ahhh!!!
Well and like he told me that he told his best friend when they were talking about girls and I came up in the conversation, he said to his best friend, “Anne is Anne and something might happen, but whatever happens I’m not going to push or rush anything” – soo freaking out here. I mean I think I’m more freaked out, feeling nervous, totally vulnerable and exposed from being with him again earlier and having that talk then when I freaked out cause he held my hand and hugged me, ya know.
Geez, when does this end? Does it ever end…sometimes I just want to get off this emotional and crazy rollercoaster ride that I’m on now :p.