Why do I always do this?

Okay so I’m frustrated with myself, I guess.  I just am analyzing and over-analyzing myself and I hate when I do this to myself.

I just don’t know what I’m wanting to say or what here.  I’ve been sitting here listening to music to try to find a song that defines my mood right now and try to sort through my thoughts and been having a hard time.

My thoughts are just going everywhere basically and kind of jumbled up right now.  So, if this doesn’t make sense, then that’s why cause I’m still trying to straighten out my thoughts here.

I am finding more about myself good and bad I guess.  It’s just that okay so I went out with Cory tonight and we had fun, but I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I still find myself thinking negatively about the situation even though we went out and had a lot of fun.  It’s like I’m expecting the worst and waiting for the other shoe to drop and we just started hanging out.

I’ve just been sitting here thinking about it and wondering why I do this to myself.  Why am I second guessing myself and what it means when I hang out with a guy or everything – augh.

I mean, okay, for example, last night as in Thursday night I talked to Cory and we basically decided to do something tonight (Friday night).  He told me he was going to call when he was done with his classes and then we’d decide what to do and I got dressed and all, but sat doing stuff thinking to myself almost all day long, he’s not going to call so I shouldn’t expect to do anything tonight.  I kept thinking and not believing he would call even though he said he would until he called and then I was like wow, he really called and at the same time I was also thinking well duh why wouldn’t he call, he said he would.

Then we went out and had a good time, well, at least I did – see there I go again.  I think he did too though.  Anyway, we went out to eat and then to see a movie.  We saw Adam Sandler’s movie “Click”, which was pretty funny and I liked it for the most part.  We talked a lot again – we’re good at that – talking a lot, which isn’t a bad thing, it’s actually good that we can talk and be comfortable like we can around each other.

So, what’s my deal?  I don’t know.  I just like during the night when we were talking, he’d say one thing and I’d be like that’s a good thing and then he’d say something else and I’d be like um, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or I think that might be a bad thing – I don’t know.  I over-analyze and over-think way too much about these kinds of things, if you can’t tell.

After the end of hanging out, the date, whatever you want to call it, I came home and instantly felt dumb.  I don’t know why I felt that way, but I felt silly or something about it all and how I’d been and how I’d said goodnight and bye to him. 

I started going around my apartment and thinking about what it’d been like with Cory and everything.  The next thing I knew I was like telling myself I messed up – how or what I did to mess up in my own mind, I’m not sure, but that’s what I was telling myself. 

The next thing I knew I had myself all bummed out after having a great time with a pretty nice, decent guy.  I ended up sitting here thinking about it all and saying nope I think I definitely messed up and did something wrong and he’ll probably never want to call, talk to me or hang out/go out with me again.

Why do I do that to myself?  I mean I don’t know really of any logical reason reflecting on it all why he wouldn’t want to call or talk to me again or hang out/go out with me again for that matter. 

He gave no inclination that he wasn’t going to talk to me or be with me ever again, but rather he gave the opposite yet somehow I convinced myself afterward that I messed up and he’d never talk to me again.  When in all actuality, he asked me if I was going to go to this football game tomorrow that he’s going to – implying that if I wanted we could hang out at this game tomorrow if I wanted or something like that. 

Then when we were talking about church, we discovered that we may just attend the same church up here.  When he found out that we might go to the same building for church up here, I can’t even justly describe what his reaction was.  It was a good one, but I can’t explain because his reaction to me maybe going to the same building as him for church caught me off guard.  He was happy and kind of seemed excited about the possibility of us being in the same building for church – I mean his eyes got really bright and he was all ooo I’m so excited, this is gonna be soo cool if we’re in the same place at the same time for church. 

He also said different things throughout all our talking about where I live and coming over some other time.  We also talked about my bird and he asked some questions about my bird cause he didn’t see it and I told him some things and then he said well I’ll take your word for it until I see it for myself.  We talked about Harry Potter as we were saying goodnight and he said he hadn’t seen the 4th movie yet and I said how I love that movie and I have it and he said ooo I’ll have to remember that. 

Oh and he told me when we were saying goodnight that if I wanted to, I could call him at 3 in the morning and he’d answer and talk to me.  I don’t even remember what we were talking about that brought that up, but I think it might have been something about how he was saying he’d never answer the phone really late for anyone cause he’d be sleeping or what not.  Then that’s when he said that about that if I wanted to call whenever like 3 in the morning, he’d answer and talk if it was me calling but he wouldn’t answer it for someone else type thing lol.  Then I told him I’ll remember that, but I don’t call people after midnight most of the time and he was like well that’s good cause if you did call me in the middle of the night even though I’d talk to you, I might be upset about it – well duh lol.

But I mean all of those above things plus others indicate that he plans to keep talking to me, being friends and that he plans to spend more time with me too.  Yet I did that dumb thing to myself so I end up like oh, he was just being nice and won’t call or want to spend time with me again – augh.

I hate dealing with my insecurities and all this crap going back into the dating/social world.  These are the things I don’t miss from when I use to date, hang out and have boyfriends and all.

So, I’m still sitting here with part of me wondering if everything that’s happened with me and Cory so far was even real or if I dreamed it all.  I’m still sitting here wondering if it’s all in my head and still telling myself it’s no big deal and that he won’t call or want to spend time with me again when he already has more than once now spent quite a bit of time with me.

I really wonder where some of these things and thought patterns come from that I have sometimes.

I also realized while I was out with Cory tonight that I am still a little tense and jumpy about being out with guys again.  I don’t know, I’m just so use to being by myself and keeping myself safe in my little walls that I’m not use to opening up with a guy who’s not going to hurt me or having a guy touch me without other motives in mind.  I mean when he and I were talking in the car one time, he put his hand on my forehead to see if I was “hot” lol and I felt myself tense up a little and get a little nervous.

Another time we were walking to and from the car and he put his hand on my back and kind of around me as he was escorting me back out to the car and I tensed a little again.  Oh and then at the movies he patted/grabbed me on the knee while we were talking/joking around before the movie started and I was like tense and whatever all over again.  I’m just not use to that.

We were always bumping into each other like brushing our shoulders against each other when we were walking or sitting.  I can’t even tell you how I tensed or it affected me when we kept bumping/brushing each other and our hands kept touching/brushing while we were walking everywhere.  I’m telling you, I can really tell even more now how much my 2 1/2 year absence from the dating/social world has affected me – oh my goodness, it’s kind of scary lol.

So, the other thing I realized about myself is how much I want and am ready in a lot of ways to be with people and be more social more now.  I mean, okay, how do I put this…I’m nervous even writing this like what I don’t know maybe I’ll jinx myself lol.

It’s like I realized spending time with Cory tonight, how much I do want to be with someone again.  Oh my heck, it’s like something, some part of myself that’s been dormant for the past 2-3 years now just woke up tonight.

I’m not even sure how to explain it, but it’s like this huge desire and urge to hold hands again, to kiss again, to hug again, to be close with a guy again – a guy that likes, loves and cares for me as I am and accepts me as I am, ya know.  It’s like this huge desire and urge just woke up again after being dormant for so long.  It’s almost like a sleeping dragon has woken up and is roaring for all these things and companionship, ya know.

I just realized on another level all these things about myself and that I really do want to get married and be with that special guy.  I use to think sometimes and almost had myself convinced, almost…that I didn’t need a guy ever again and that I could be fine by myself without a guy.  Now I’m back to thinking that yes, I’m fine by myself and can be without a guy for a while or whatever it takes till I’m with the right kind of guy for me, but I do need a guy again.

Augh, I’m gonna drive myself crazy thinking about this and whatever so I’m gonna quit now and try to go back to not wanting to be with anyone etc. for a while longer lol.  I know I’m pretty funny – thinking I can turn back now especially when I see Cory at least once a week or more and he has my phone no. 

There is no turning back now…I’m in it for the long haul until I find the right kind of guy for me.  There’s no taking back what I’ve said and done now…I’m in the dating/social world rat race for good for a while now, it would seem.


3 comments on “Why do I always do this?

  1. This was a while ago now and things with Cory and I have progressed quite a bit. I’m doing a lot better now with overcoming and being in control of my insecurities and things and Cory and I are in love and closer than ever now.

    Thanks for your thoughts though :).

  2. Hey, i know how you feel. Just a couple of minitutes ago i got into a fight with my boyfriend because i thought he doesn’t love me. He told me that I need to stop overanyalizing things…and making things bigger than what they are. i know I do….but the emotions i feel are so overwhelming. Maybe that’s what your feeling, uncertainty about the present and the future…you’re also worrying about yourself, if your good enough or whatnot. But it’s ok we all go through things like that. It’s if you make it tae away from your happiness where it’s not good. If you really lie cory i think you should leave space in your heart to hope and try to love him…and let yourself get involved in a relationship. If not, then hold on to the friendship. It’s great to have new friends..esp in college…but if you find yourself being a little crtitical…just sit down and think about the good side of the situation. And tell yourself everything will be o if i let it be.

  3. We’re all insecure at times. Heck, I asked my husband why he married me because I was sure he hated me a couple weeks ago! I was being absolutely serious. I was sure he hated me and I couldnt think of even one reason for him to be with me.

    I hope it works out with Cory even if it is as friends and not boyfriend/girlfriend. Having someone to hang out with in a new situation (off at college) is always nice and kind of makes the place not so lonley.

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