It’s kind of weird, but since I moved up here into my own place and I don’t have a running commentary that is usually negative all the time etc., I might add, everything is changing. Some of it is changing in a way I expected and some of it is changing in a way I didn’t expect.
I don’t know if I’m even making sense trying to explain myself here. Some of you will probably understand what I’m trying to say more than others. It’s just that I hardly ever call home lately. I haven’t really been up here on my own for a really long time either, but I don’t feel as homesick as I thought I would.
My mom has e-mailed me more than I care to talk to her these past few days. I don’t mean to sound unfeeling or anything, but it’s just that I noticed when replying to an e-mail of hers just yesterday how different it feels from my perspective between she and I now. It’s like the distance with my living here and her there has widened the emotional etc. gap between us as well now also. I don’t know how to explain it really – I just felt kind of sad thinking about it last night because at times I still wish it could be different and we could be closer, but that won’t ever happen, at least not for a long time anyway.
It’s just that while I was writing a response to my mom’s e-mail yesterday, I realized how I felt like I was writing/talking to a stranger and not my mom. It was just weird and today when I got another e-mail from her and responded, I was more annoyed than anything. It was more like I only responded to her because she’s my mom, but not because I wanted to talk to her or share anything with her though.
It’s just interesting and kind of strange to me as I’m watching this change between my mom and me now that I’ve moved out and am living on my own in my own place, ya know.
Well and it’s incredible this new sense of freedom and independence not having my mom breathing down my neck all the time with everything I do. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself when I don’t have her running negative commentary on everything I do each day.
I have noticed a lot of change for the positive already though in just this past week or so especially. I mean I’ve been feeling better about myself, school, life and living on my own and so forth than I’ve ever felt with my mom around. I’ve been feeling a lot more self confidence and talking more in classes and things that I don’t usually do – I especially didn’t do them when I lived at home under my mom’s constant nagging and everything.
I have been doing a lot of things better and like I’ve wanted to for a long time since I left home. I still get things done, get reasonable sleep and everything and don’t have to hear my mom’s nasty comments about how I’m doing everything wrong according to her because she’s no longer around to know about my habits or way of life here. I can’t explain it, but it’s almost as if in just the past week or two, some other healing has begun to occur for me that I didn’t know needed to still happen.
It’s like my moving out and getting into a habit and way of life of my own on my own up here and such is a kind of balm to my wounds that have been inflicted and festering for so long from my mother and others in my life who’ve done me more harm than good. Even though she and others haven’t always meant harm, they’ve caused it and now I’ve got to recooperate from it and it’s almost like I’m reshaping and redefining who I am without anyway telling me how I should be or how I should be living my life.
It’s like I’ve been under her “control” for so long and now I’m learning that I do know a lot and I can be in control of myself and that I don’t need her to be around and “control” me. Man, I don’t know if any of this is making any sense, but anyway, that’s the best I can do for now in expressing this change that’s begun to go on with me in this past week or so.
Anyway, it’s been one of the greatest changes and moves for me. One of the best things I could have ever done for myself in life and being away from home and her and all that, makes me realize and see some things that much more clearly now.
Of course, I have had some new anger present itself that I’m having to deal with toward my mom and such from seeing things that much more clearly now, but somehow I’ll work through it and be okay just like I’ve done with everything else in my life with the help of the Lord, my family and others, of course, but nonetheless I’ll be okay :).