When I say “I hate him” I’m referring to my “lovely” ex-husband, who abused me and screwed me over. For the most part, I don’t have these emotional moments surface in regards to him, but every once in a while something will still set me off and bring back emotions in regards to him.
My trigger tonight that set me off was a song. I was looking for a song I heard earlier today that I liked in thinking I’d like to put it on my myspace page for my profile song. Well, I found the song I wanted and then saw a few other songs listed by the same artist so thought I’d check out some of the other songs – BAD idea.
The song I found that I liked was “You Gotta Be” by Des’ree and the other song that was there was “Kissing You”. I clicked on it and then after listening to the first of the song, it dawned on me that this was that song I’d heard, but never known who it was by or what it was called. I remembered this song had been dedicated to me by a guy who I had cared for and loved deeply, but at first attempt to remember I didn’t remember if it was a song from my ex-husband or an ex-boyfriend so I sat and continued to listen.
Then all of a sudden I remembered that song was the first song of many on a tape full of love songs that my ex-husband had given to me. That tape of love songs he’d given me when we’d first met and first started dating – that tape of love songs that I still have somewhere in all my possessions.
I listened to the song and cursed it. I cursed him, I cursed the day I met him and hearing that stupid song brought it all back. So many dang emotions and memories rushing back to the surface and even now I’m feeling like I’m hurt, torn and thrown for a loop all over again.
All because I accidentally stumbled across this dumb, idiotic love song, the tears came again. When does it stop, I don’t understand how the emotions are still so strong from hearing a stupid love song even now. It’s been 5 years since we were divorced, 5 freakin years, but he still is there in me and I know he’ll always have a place in my heart. I’ll always love him in a way and I hate that I do sometimes like now.
It’s funny thinking about this, I just realized, I’m just proving what a quote on my myspace page says…”Once you love someone…That person is forever a part of you” whether you want them to be or not, they’ll always be a part of you. I’m a part of him too even though he probably doesn’t want me there in him either.
I just hate these moments that bring back these memories and emotions to the surface. I dislike them so very much sometimes. It’s like whenever it happens, I have to grieve again to an extent over losing him, our failed marriage and my shattered world of hopes and dreams I once had with him.
It’s all back to that freakin grief process of life. The grief over lost loves, failed marriages, adoption grief, deaths of loved ones and so many things. The grieving that never ends everywhere with everything in your life at times, it seems. It’s always there, waiting under the surface for you.