Countdown to Freedom

I can’t believe it’s August already, but here we are.

I only have about 3 weeks until I’m moving and school will be starting again – eeeek.  I’m gettin more nervous and excited all at the same time as it gets closer now – *runs around the room shrieking* lol.  

I can’t freakin believe it.  I mean I remember sitting here hating always having to be here and tolerate my mom a year ago and now I’m almost free – wooo.  I know, it’s amazing how fast this last year has gone by and how things have changed.

For those who don’t know, my mom and I have had a not very healthy relationship pretty much all our lives.  It has to do with codependency and I’ve broken out of being codependent and become what they call a recovering codependent while my mom is still oblivious to her problems and issues.  She still thinks nothing is wrong and doesn’t understand a lot of what’s gone on. 

It’s been hard for me these past few years or so and especially the past 2 years with my mom.  It’s been specifically the past 2 years that I’ve separated myself and stopped being codependent and playing into my mom’s codependent cycles.

So, these past two years, the distance between my mom and I has grown a great deal because she doesn’t see or understand the codependency issues.  My mom doesn’t understand me as much anymore and doesn’t see that how things use to be was very unhealthy and damaging to me and others in so many ways.  She chooses not to see it for now anyway.

So, my changing to be healthy and my mom staying unhealthy with behaviors and codependency issues along with other things has widened the gap between us.  I use to feel closer to my mom and like I could talk and tell her more things, but now I don’t feel close to her much at all and I can’t tell her hardly anything anymore.  I wish I could, but I can’t. 

I have to keep myself at a distance from her especially emotionally, mentally, spiritually and such because otherwise she would hurt me as she has in the past.  So, I keep myself at a distance from her in these ways for the present to protect myself.  It’s sad, but true, but that’s the way it has to be for now.

I do care, love and respect her as the mother who gave birth to me and tried to do her best to raise me, but the thing is I don’t really need a mother anymore the way she tries to be my mother.  She still treats me as a little child and I’m no longer a child, I’m an adult now with children of my own.  I mean, of course, my children aren’t with me since I placed them, but still she doesn’t need to keep telling me what to do and how to live my life.  I just wish she would recognize the issues and try to be more healthy with those things and try to treat and be more of a friend and an equal to me now.  I mean my Dad gets it and is more my friend and treats me as an equal and doesn’t treat me like a little girl that needs to be told what to do anymore so I wish my mom would too, ya know.

It all comes back to the fact that my mom doesn’t trust me – she has issues with trust.  My mom seems to even have a hard time trusting my dad sometimes on some issues.  I just get so frustrated when I try to prove myself to my mom so I’ve stopped trying and realized that my mom just is the way she is and I can’t prove myself to her when she is this way.

The funny thing is with all that’s happened and changed in the last 2 years, I find myself all the time thinking to myself that she’s not my mom.  I mean like when she tries to tell me how to live my life or what I should be doing with my time or this or that, I find myself just tuning her out and thinking, that’s nice, but you’re not my mom so I don’t need you to tell me what to do.  I almost said it out loud to her once lol, but caught myself just in time.

I thought this was so weird when I first had that happen where I thought you’re not my mom in response to her telling me something.  I remember talking to my counselors about it and they told me it’s normal for me to think that way with the situation and that I’d find myself thinking that more often and more times as time went on.  What my counselors said was definitely true because I think that almost all the time now.

I don’t know how to explain it really, but it’s what works for me and this situation for now.  I know some of my friends understand, but for the rest of you, I’m not sure how to explain unless you know something about codependency.

Anyway, that was a total tangent lol.  That’s just a part of the explanation why this move in 3 weeks is such a big thing for me.  It will be a great thing and it’s a necessary, healthy move for me too, but it still makes me nervous – eeekk lol.

Okay, anyway, enough of my jabbering on here.  My brother and family came over to visit and dinner’s ready so I better run for now :).

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8 comments on “Countdown to Freedom

  1. Even though I’m moving out and all my older brothers and sister have moved out, they still talk to my mom and have her in their life, but it’s different, ya know. I mean because they’re not living with her and there’s some more distance between them so we do still have her in our lives as our mother to an extent, but not the same way as we did when we lived with her.

    So, none of us have really severed all ties and walked away. We just put some distance between us and went on with our lives living separate and away from her. But we still talk to her and include her in our lives to some degree, it’s just not the same as when we live in the same house.

    Well and letting go is for sure totally OKAY in these kinds of situations, but I don’t necessarily mean to let go, sever all ties and walk away. I mean letting go more emotionally and mentally of her or her ‘power’ and control over you.

    I’m not sure how to explain it all. There is a book I read that one of my counselors recommended to me back when I was in counseling like a couple years ago. This book is what helped me start figuring out things with codependency and everything. It helped me understand my situation better and understand codependency and letting go and it and some other books do talk of ways to still live with the codependent, I believe.

    As you can see, I’ve lived with my mom knowing about her being a codependent and my part in the codependent cycles with her enabling her etc. as you mentioned. I’ve lived with her for the past 2 years especially knowing about this codependency and her problem with it, so it is possible to still live with a codependent because I’ve done it all my life unknowingly and the past 2 years knowingly.

    So, it is possible to live with a codependent and not sever ties and walk away, but it isn’t always the best thing to keep living with them. Especially if you’re living your life and need to move out for school, work, getting married etc., you shouldn’t stay living at home, you should move out and live your life. Of course, you can still keep her in your life, talk to her and such to an extent and don’t have to sever all ties, but you don’t necessarily need to stay with her.

    Sorry, I’m getting long winded and all here trying to explain and hoping I’m answering your questions. Oh and before I forget, the book that helped me a lot that I’d highly recommend reading if you or your family hasn’t is called, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.

    Also this author, Melody Beattie, she has some other books besides this one too that might help. I remember it seems like she wrote more than one book about Codependency and things like that. So, I would recommend checking that book and the author out. It should be very helpful, that book turned on a lot of lights for me and helped a lot.

    Let me know if there’s anything else I can help with. I hope this helped answer some questions and feel free to ask anything else. I do think that book I mentioned will help answer questions too so I would definitely say to go check it out.

  2. Thanks for letting me know that IT IS OKAY to let go of your mother….your codependent drive you up a wall all consuming mother….and also making me realize that I enable and allow her to make me feel the crappy way I do sometimes. One question though, is there a way to live with a codependent? Or do you really have to sever ties and walk away? (others in my family would like to know)….

  3. Hmm. Good question, what’s in Utah? lol. Well, I suppose it depends on what part of Utah you visit.

    In Logan area there’s Bear Lake that people go visit and stay in their cabins up there. Then there’s the Heber Valley historic railroad where you can go on a train ride. Then there’s an amusement park – Lagoon – not as exciting as Disneyland though, but it can be fun and that’s in Farmington area.

    What else…there’s the usual capitol hill building in Salt Lake and a planetarium and outdoor shopping mall and other malls, of course. There’s a zoo and an aviary and lots of mountains, Mt. Timp cave where you hike and tour the cave. There’s museums, theatres, a state park and an aquarium.

    There’s also, of course, LDS temples and Temple Square in Salt Lake area too. There’s Zions National Park in St. George that’s got some cool things with nature, if you’re into that kind of thing. There’s also a Canyonlands National Park, Capitol Reef National Park, Goblin Valley park – there’s quite a few parks and nature/scenic places here. There’s also ski resorts here if you like to ski or snowboard. There are night clubs and they do have bars etc. here in places too. There’s the Great Salt Lake and Utah Lake.

    So, there’s some things in Utah or you can just go type it in a search engine and see what it comes up with. There are some places just outside of Utah, not far from Utah too like Vegas and Grand Canyon, Arizona, but you’re already in AZ or Wyoming or something.

    Anyway, there’s at least a few things to do and see here lol.

  4. I’m moving out in 3 weeks so my mom can’t do more damage, but she won’t ruin my life.

    She has her problems just like everyone else, but she’s not going to ruin my life because I won’t let her or anyone else ruin my life for that matter.

  5. Lol My college is 2 hours farther north in Utah than I already am so it’s probably about the same with visiting distance as where I’m at now :p.  I think it’s about an 8 hour drive since I’m the kind of person that prefers driving to flying :).

    But hey, if I want to go visit somewhere or whatever some weekend/break from school – at least I don’t have to have my mom breathing down my back about it lol.

  6. Three weeks! THREE WEEKS!!

    I am so excited for you. So how far is your college from here? Visiting distance????

    *Grin*

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