I can’t believe it’s August already, but here we are.
I only have about 3 weeks until I’m moving and school will be starting again – eeeek. I’m gettin more nervous and excited all at the same time as it gets closer now – *runs around the room shrieking* lol.
I can’t freakin believe it. I mean I remember sitting here hating always having to be here and tolerate my mom a year ago and now I’m almost free – wooo. I know, it’s amazing how fast this last year has gone by and how things have changed.
For those who don’t know, my mom and I have had a not very healthy relationship pretty much all our lives. It has to do with codependency and I’ve broken out of being codependent and become what they call a recovering codependent while my mom is still oblivious to her problems and issues. She still thinks nothing is wrong and doesn’t understand a lot of what’s gone on.
It’s been hard for me these past few years or so and especially the past 2 years with my mom. It’s been specifically the past 2 years that I’ve separated myself and stopped being codependent and playing into my mom’s codependent cycles.
So, these past two years, the distance between my mom and I has grown a great deal because she doesn’t see or understand the codependency issues. My mom doesn’t understand me as much anymore and doesn’t see that how things use to be was very unhealthy and damaging to me and others in so many ways. She chooses not to see it for now anyway.
So, my changing to be healthy and my mom staying unhealthy with behaviors and codependency issues along with other things has widened the gap between us. I use to feel closer to my mom and like I could talk and tell her more things, but now I don’t feel close to her much at all and I can’t tell her hardly anything anymore. I wish I could, but I can’t.
I have to keep myself at a distance from her especially emotionally, mentally, spiritually and such because otherwise she would hurt me as she has in the past. So, I keep myself at a distance from her in these ways for the present to protect myself. It’s sad, but true, but that’s the way it has to be for now.
I do care, love and respect her as the mother who gave birth to me and tried to do her best to raise me, but the thing is I don’t really need a mother anymore the way she tries to be my mother. She still treats me as a little child and I’m no longer a child, I’m an adult now with children of my own. I mean, of course, my children aren’t with me since I placed them, but still she doesn’t need to keep telling me what to do and how to live my life. I just wish she would recognize the issues and try to be more healthy with those things and try to treat and be more of a friend and an equal to me now. I mean my Dad gets it and is more my friend and treats me as an equal and doesn’t treat me like a little girl that needs to be told what to do anymore so I wish my mom would too, ya know.
It all comes back to the fact that my mom doesn’t trust me – she has issues with trust. My mom seems to even have a hard time trusting my dad sometimes on some issues. I just get so frustrated when I try to prove myself to my mom so I’ve stopped trying and realized that my mom just is the way she is and I can’t prove myself to her when she is this way.
The funny thing is with all that’s happened and changed in the last 2 years, I find myself all the time thinking to myself that she’s not my mom. I mean like when she tries to tell me how to live my life or what I should be doing with my time or this or that, I find myself just tuning her out and thinking, that’s nice, but you’re not my mom so I don’t need you to tell me what to do. I almost said it out loud to her once lol, but caught myself just in time.
I thought this was so weird when I first had that happen where I thought you’re not my mom in response to her telling me something. I remember talking to my counselors about it and they told me it’s normal for me to think that way with the situation and that I’d find myself thinking that more often and more times as time went on. What my counselors said was definitely true because I think that almost all the time now.
I don’t know how to explain it really, but it’s what works for me and this situation for now. I know some of my friends understand, but for the rest of you, I’m not sure how to explain unless you know something about codependency.
Anyway, that was a total tangent lol. That’s just a part of the explanation why this move in 3 weeks is such a big thing for me. It will be a great thing and it’s a necessary, healthy move for me too, but it still makes me nervous – eeekk lol.
Okay, anyway, enough of my jabbering on here. My brother and family came over to visit and dinner’s ready so I better run for now :).