Taking a break from my making out posts here, I have some more serious thoughts to write down.
Today was a kind of anxious day for me. I’m not sure all the reasons why, but I know some of the reasons. My anxiety level was just higher than usual today and I’ve been a little more stressed than usual lately.
I’ve been more stressed lately because of the upcoming changes approaching in my life. In about a month, I’m going to be moving out, which I’m happy about, but also nervous and anxious about at times. It’s a mixture of emotion really.
I’ve been alternating between things that I stress, worry and get anxious about as the time grows closer for these changes to take place for me. I can tell I’m getting stressed or having higher anxiety levels on certain days because I haven’t been eating regulary like I should.
Whenever I get stressed or anxious, I don’t eat. Other people eat like crazy when they’re stressed and I don’t eat when I’m stressed. I don’t know which is worse, they’re both unhealthy either way you go.
Today my anxiety level went high for a while because I wrote and sent a letter to my 3 yr old (she’s almost 3 1/2 already- mind boggling) and her parents last night and the thing that set my anxiety off is that I got an e-mail saying the delivery of my letter/e-mail to them was delayed! I was like what??! What do you mean? I instantly went to freak out, high anxiety mode right there reading that e-mail.
I instantly started thinking why wouldn’t my message go through…did they stop using their e-mail…are they cutting off contact with me…oh please no…they can’t cut off contact…I’ll die!!! Then I was like wait a minute…calm down…breathe in, breathe out…count to 10…slow down…think rationally here.
Then I had to stop and think and after I did that I came up with a few rational explanations as to why the message was delayed. I also had to reread it and remember it said the message was only delayed not that delivery failed, just that delivery was simply delayed. There are a few reasons why the delivery of a message could be delayed though.
I thought of the fact that there have been some websites and computer problems associated with heat and overheating over this past weekend. It could simply be a technical thing that’s having to be worked on. It could also be that they haven’t checked their e-mail in a while, their e-mail is full and the message is delayed because there’s no space for the message in their e-mail at present. They could be out of town on a trip which they do often go on a trips, I’m always hearing about them. I mean there’s no reason why they would cut off contact with me or want to or even think about it – it’s not a logical or rational thought.
I mean we have a pretty dang good relationship and consider each other close, good friends and I feel like they’re also extended family to me. There’s no reason why they’d want to end contact with me. Plus I had to remind myself that I heard from them just about two months ago with Mother’s day and just within like the last 6 months or so they told me they want my 3 yr old to see me and start having a relationship with me when she’s older and when she decides she wants to meet me. They’re all for her having a relationship with me when she wants to and she’s older so there’s no reason why they’d cut off contact with me.
So, I had to go through all this thought process and stop, think, breathe and remember all these things to reassure myself. I just went to freak out mode at first though and then I felt silly after. I really felt silly the more I thought about it because I’ve had and do have such a great relationship with them just like with my 20 mo old’s family and I feel close and lucky to have my 3 yr old’s parents in my life just like I feel lucky to have my 20 mo old’s parents in my life.
I mean even if for some reason I did get a message that said the delivery of my message/e-mail to them failed, I could try to e-mail again. And even if the e-mail failed, I could print out and mail the letter through the agency to make sure nothing’s up with them and their e-mail. I also have their last name and address, but haven’t used it yet because they haven’t said they feel comfortable with the idea of mailing direct yet.
Of course, I haven’t asked them in a while about mailing direct either and they don’t know I’ve stumbled across their last name and address because of a slip up with correspondence through the agency about 2 years ago now. I also haven’t used their direct mailing address or told them I have it because I don’t want to worry or freak them out if they’re not comfortable with the idea of me knowing that ya know. I respect them and the boundaries we set and want what’s best for my 3 yr old so I haven’t done anything.
Anyway, that was my freak out for the day today. My sister and kids are still here. It feels like they’ve been here forever – it’s been about a week now and there’s still a couple days left until they leave. I mean I love my sister and her kids and when they come visit, but there comes a point where it’s like it’s time for you to go isn’t it. They’re at the point where they’re driving us crazy and have been for the past few days or so now cause they’re all staying here in the house with us.
Oh, but I did have a few *happy dance* moments throughout the day today though. First, I received an unexpected e-mail/short note from my 20 mo old’s mom that brightened my day :D. My 20 mo old’s mom is sooo great. I’m especially close with her and we have a great friendship/relationship and she wrote me just to see how I was doing because she was worried about me and my anxiety levels from the last letter I’d written to her in the past few days or so. I just love that she’s so thoughtful, loving and caring. She’s awesome and I’m so glad she’s in my life :). Then I spent some time with family having some fun playing games which was a bright spot for me too.
My last, but not least *happy dance* moment for the day was reading about a good friend’s *happy dance* news :D!!! She was freaking ecstatic over her news and who would blame her and seeing her so happy. I haven’t seen her that happy…um…ever I think since I’ve ‘known’ her and that brightened my day even more. I was overjoyed and ecstatic right along with her and her news – too bad I didn’t live closer and I could have gone over and done a *happy dance* with her and brought her some yummy ice cream too 😉 :D.
So, yeah that’s how my 24th of July day otherwise known as Monday went today. It was kind of like a rollercoaster ride and all up and down everywhere. I felt kind of all over the place today with everything and my emotions.
But hey, just like the rollercoaster, I survived the day and I got to get off the ride when I was done and the day was over 😉 :). So, it wasn’t an all bad day and it may not have been the best day, but it was alright – it was an average, balanced day in an odd sort of way, I think.
So, yeah that was my day :p :). It’s all good in the end though :D.