I’m terrified…

of being vulnerable again.  I know that’s no big shocker there if you know me and my story, but there I said it.

I’m scared and freaked out about dating again.  This just came about or should I say rather came more to my attention tonight because I’ve been having nervous butterflies the past day or two and haven’t pinpointed why until tonight.

I’ve been having nervous butterflies because I’m getting a little nervous about moving out in August for one thing and for another, I’m getting more nervous about guys and dating.  This is part of why I’m nervous about moving out is because when I’m out living on my own, I won’t have my house to hide in with my family like I do here anymore. 

I’m going to be putting myself out there even more once I’m moved out this fall, going to school and all.  I feel like I’m ready, but not ready at the same time and kind of like I’m being pushed/nudged out/off the ledge back into the social world and so forth.  This reality is starting to make me more nervous and freaked out as the time comes closer for me to move out and all.

See the thing is if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know about my moment of clarity from a while back that I had one night/morning.  I’ve been having more of those types of moments of clarity or reminders of that moment of clarity I guess you could say.  So, I’m having more and more of a self realization about myself and how pretty I really am etc., not trying to be stuck up, just trying to explain myself here. 

The thing is the more I realize or have/remember that moment of clarity, the more I realize that I’m not going to be able to hide for much longer before the right kind of guy(s) will find me.  l mean realizing about myself and my worth and beauty has made me realize more what guys are seeing when they see me out there and they’re not going to walk away and leave me alone.  They’re going to talk to me and want to be my friend and then they’ll probably ask me out and this terrifies me.

It scares me to death because some of these guys will be good guys and that means I’ll have to talk to them and I won’t have any good reason for not going out with them other than being afraid.  I’ll have to let myself be vulnerable again, maybe trust them and all and it freaks me out to think of putting myself out there all vulnerable with a guy again because I know that if he’s a good guy I won’t have to worry, but I’m also afraid of things happening again to me like have happened before.

I know they won’t be the same guys as my exes and if they’re the good ones, they won’t do anything to me like my exes did, but it’s still a major fear there lurking for me to deal with one day.  I’m not looking forward to facing this fear and having to let myself be vulnerable, trust or love with a guy again – not looking forward to this it all – really makes me nervous.

It’s just I’ve gotten okay and comfortable with who I am and everything now.  I’m totally fine with being single and happy now too for the most part and now I have to go step out of my comfort zone again and I don’t want to – nope, nope, nope.  I mean I do, but I don’t, ya know what I mean.

I don’t know, I talked, vented, worked through all this with my parents and feel a little better, but I’m still kind of freakin out about it all.  My mom asked me if I would like to go visit my counselor just to talk or anything and I said no because I didn’t think I needed to go talk to him, but I’m wondering about it now.  I mean, it might not be a bad idea to go visit him, just to check in and talk with him.

Maybe I’ll go drop by to say Hi and see if he thinks we need to talk more.  I mean if he thinks it might be a good idea for me to talk to him then we can schedule a time after I go by to say Hi and see what he says or how I feel.  We’ll see, I’ll have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to drop by though.

I mean maybe just dropping by to say Hi and talk for a few minutes will do the trick, we’ll see.

I just wish someone could face the fear and deal with it for me sometimes though ya know.  I know I have to face it, but sometimes I think it’d be cool if someone else could face the fear for me and then let me step in once we get to the good, trusting happy part with a guy lol. 

I don’t want much, do I…just to have my cake and eat it too – that’s all.

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