Well, maybe it’s not that much of a secret, but in a way, it is, I guess.
So, the truth is…that I’m just a girl that wants the basic same things as most girls do. I say I’m happy and single cause I am for now, but I really do want to eventually hook up with someone, but I want it to be a guy worthwhile this time around.
I am somewhat hardened by having had bad, hard experiences with guys and in life to an extent, but the soft side of me is still in there encased in the protective steel walls I keep up for now. I do dream and want to be loved and to be able to love again like I did once before.
I do want to be swept off my feet, but I’m also afraid – so unlike other girls, fear does hold back now from letting go and letting myself love and throw myself into a relationship again. I know I’ll have to face this fear one day because one day there will be a guy worthwhile knocking on my door and a guy who will love me and want to be with me despite all my baggage and things I carry with me.
Underneath it all, I am truly a girl when it all comes down to it and still a true romantic despite what I’ve gone through. I have my facade that I keep up to protect myself, but if you get to know me and stick around long enough, you’ll see through it all.
Sometimes I really wish I could trust guys easier than I can now and be back to my innocent, naive self I once was, but I can’t. Overall, when I look at the big picture, I’m glad I’m not the same innocent, naive girl I once was, but sometimes it’s hard too.
I just remember talking to my ex-husband when we were engaged and fighting once and he told me I was too naive, innocent and what not to understand him and so forth. My reply to him was, “I want to understand, I want to know, I don’t want to be naive, teach me, help me to not be naive anymore” and he did.
When I think of that moment, my heart aches for that innocent, naive girl that I once was and how she didn’t realize what she was asking or in for when she told the man that she loved to help her to not be so naive anymore. I know I can’t go back and change it now and I usually don’t think or dwell on it, but that is one of the moments that was a defining moment for me where I sometimes wish I could have taken back the words I said when I told him to help me not be naive.
I sometimes wish I could have taken back the words because not only did he help me not to be naive anymore, he took my innocence from me and shattered my whole world too – I remember when I told him to leave and then divorced him and the day he left I told him how he’d shattered my world and it didn’t seem to matter to him at all.
Anyway, he may have shattered my world once and left me broken and lying on the floor, but I recovered. After a long time, a lot of counseling and other help and soul searching, I finally recovered and put myself back together though there are still scars from him and others, I did put myself back together.
I survived him, other guys and other things so when the time comes, I will figure out a way to face my fear to let another man in to my heart and let myself love, really love and trust him again – somehow I’ll figure it out when the time comes one day.
I’ll have to figure it out because one of my truest, greatest desires despite everything is to be happily married and have more children that I will get to raise myself with my husband.