Triggers

Okay, so on adoption forums today there was a thought provoking question/discussion started about what our triggers are.

It wasn't referring to just triggers with adoption, but also everything and anything else in our lives.  I've been thinking about triggers since then and trying to figure out what my current ones are and all that.

I don't think I'm even completely aware of every trigger that I have.  I can think of many triggers.  It's just the figuring out which are the current triggers for me that I'm still working on figuring out.

So, brainstorming here for a minute, first thing I thought of with the topic of triggers was my triggers from abuse.  For example, one time in specific comes to mind right off where I was at work and it wasn't long after I'd had my ex leave and we were processing to finalize the divorce that this happened.  So, what happened was that I was cashiering and this guy comes over by me playing around and goofing off and he had this rubber mallet type hammer in his hands because he was fixing things or something like that.

Well, he came over and was kidding and goes to swing the hammer like in a teasing, funny way to pretend like he's going to bop me on the arm or something and I totally freaked out on him.  Instinct kicked in or fight and flight response, whichever you prefer to call it and I grabbed the mallet, jerked it out of his hand and dropped it on the floor and got in this position to defend myself/challenge him if he was going to try to hurt me.

All of a sudden when I was standing in my defense position, it was like I came back to logic and out of the fight or flight and saw the shocked look on this guy's face and surprised reaction from others around us.  It just dawned on me that I'd just done the fight or flight response and reacted to him like I had been reacting and protecting myself from my soon to be ex-husband at that time for around the past year of my life at that time.  Needless to say, I was embarrassed and surprised at my own reaction to the situation.

That was one of those moments when I realized on another level how deeply I'd been affected by being in that abusive relationship and how much therapy I was going to need.  Which I did end up spending a lot of time in therapy for that, other issues with placing my girls for adoption, grieving, healing, coping, self-esteem, codependency and so forth – I've spent 3 1/2 to 4 years in therapy so far in my life.  I did 'graduate' from therapy and have been doing great, coping and living a pretty good life overall for around a year, I think it's been now.

Anyway, so when I hear triggers that experience right after I had my ex husband leave pops into my head, which was about 5 years ago.  For some reason, all these things about my ex husband and what I went through, had to deal and cope with and get therapy for pop into my head when asked about my triggers.

I know there's quite a few other emotional triggers I have, but they don't stand out in my mind as much.  For example, whenever a sibling has a baby since I placed my girls, it is hard for me to be all totally happy joy joy for them and not have that twinge of jealousy, envy and the thought of how it's unfair that they get to keep their children, raise them with their spouse in their happy marriage and how they get to have the happily ever after life or at least that's what it seems when I first have my emotional reaction and thoughts to my siblings have babies.  That's something I struggle with currently as one brother just had a baby girl a couple weeks or so after the first birthday of my second girl I placed about 6 mos ago.  Now I also struggle some with the fact that my other brother just had a baby boy a little over a week ago, but that one isn't as hard for me as my niece that was born right around my second bdaughter's first bday.  It's simply harder because my niece was a girl born around my second bdaughter's first bday and my newest nephew is a boy that wasn't born around either of my girls bdays.

So, yeah, birthdays are another trigger for me, I would say.  Those two months/times of the year are the hardest.  Mother's Day is hard and triggers things for me too, but not like birthdays do.

Other emotional triggers, in general, for me are watching tearjerker/sad movies like mentioned in the post below how those sad movies get the tears flowing and then they don't always seem to stop.  I get weepy at almost every movie nowadays since I had my girls.  I mean I feel like a crybaby sometimes like when I cry watching "Finding Nemo" or "Sword in the Stone" for example.  I mean those are Disney movies that aren't suppose to be sad, tearjerker movies and I cry in them.  I swear something happens to you once you have children, whether you parent or place them.

I hate when people have asked me why didn't I work at my marriage harder.  I mean that's so tactless of them after I tell them, hey, I'm divorced because it was an abusive, bad situation, they even ask me that!  I'm always standing there with my jaw open, looking at them like, are you kidding me???

I should have let myself get beat up some more and tried harder to make the marriage work – ha, ha.  I just have looked at some of these people like um you're kidding me right??  Then most go, oh, I'm so embarrassed, of course, you shouldn't have tried harder etc. and apologize to me.  Of course, I've had those few winners that say I'm serious why didn't you try harder?  Then I looked at them and said, hmm let me think about this one for a minute, oh yeah I didn't try harder because I didn't want to die or end up in a hospital!!!  Okay, thanks buh bye now. 

I mean, seriously, I can't believe how ignorant some people are.  Oh and one time, someone asked me when I was sharing about how I placed my two girls for adoption, they asked me if it was easier for me to place my second daughter for adoption and that's why I did it???  I was like, are you kidding me??  Who would actually say or do something like that?  I can't imagine me or any other first mother saying, yes, I placed my second child for adoption, if you placed more than one, because it was easier for me to place my child the second time around?!?!  Of course, I set the record straight with that person and answered them in a nice, kind, respectful way explaining that no I didn't place my daughter the second time because it was easier the second time around, if anything it was harder for me the second time around. 

It was hard enough the first time around and way harder the second time around and I don't want to have to go through that pain again of relinquishing with any other children so I'm not putting myself in those positions again.  I'm waiting to have more children and be intimate with a guy again until I'm married, which was the plan from the beginning, but things changed along the way on the path of life as they often do.

But even though, things have been hard, I wouldn't change having had my girls and placing them.  I don't regret my choice to place my girls, but that's not to say I don't have my hard days because even us firstmothers who are at peace and okay with our choice to have placed our children still have to grieve and cope with not having our children with us every day of our lives.  

Anyway, I could go on and on, I'm going on tangents all over the place here, but it's getting late and I should be in bed already.  I meant for this to be a shorter entry – ha – yeah, right me write a short entry – ha, ha.

Well, I gots to head to bed now cause I got to get up early tomorrow for a job interview.  Yes, the job hunt continues still.  So, there's some recent random thoughts for ya.  Gnite :).

Advertisements

3 comments on “Triggers

  1. Yup. I mean.. look I dont even acknowledge my mother’s existance. Just keep on keeping on.

  2. Yes, I totally get what you’re saying about meeting someone who “gets it” and won’t use it against you. That’s something I am also always trying to deal with – one of my reasons why I’m still happily single right now lol – because the last few guys I’ve dated or even just been “friends” with have all tried to use it against me and it ticks me off. Not to mention how my own mother has even used things against me from my past etc., but you know about me and my mother lol. That’s a whole other topic.

  3. Hey there.. OMG I totally get what you mean about “fight or flight”.. I completely struggle with that. I have an issue with being cornered.. Im a fairly good walk awayer but get in my face or put me in a position where I cant walk away and i just panic and will protect myself at all costs..

    Somethings are from 10 or more years ago and I just cant control the fear that triggers…

    I guess all we can do is try – try – try to control or meet someone who “gets it” and doesnt use it against you…

    You know what I mean… they know your buttons… corner you.. then say AHA! Well.. that is not the right one for you..

    And you just never know they will do something like the… until they do.

    Bleh.

    Just commiserating.

Comments are closed.