“Bad Pennies”

From Thursday, May 25, 2006

Why do these guys from the past keep turning up like bad pennies everywhere I go? Well, at least it seems like it lately.

First, I find my ex husband's webpage on accident because of my stupid curiosity, which definitely killed the cat that time. Then I came across another ex's webpage while I was on a roll with my stupid curiosity. Oh and can't forget the other ex's webpage too – geez I was on a roll that night the other week.

Then I learned my lesson from that other night so I haven't messed around or done anything since then because I don't want to accidentally or otherwise come across any other exes webpages or anything. So, then I get this e-mail just the other night from this other website I'm part of, the one and only website that has my full name and info on it too.

Anyway, I get this e-mail from that website and it says that so and so has been looking at your profile and checking out your info etc. on the website. So, I look at the name of who it is that's looked at my profile and it's another ex of mine – man, how did he find me on the one website that has my info – geez. So far he hasn't tried to e-mail or contact me through the website, but now I'm a little edgy knowing he knows where I am/how to find me through this website.

I feel like I'm going through an internal battle with myself all over again too with all these exes and bad pennies turning up again for me. It sucks and drives me crazy because I still care about these guys in some way even though they're dorks in a bad way not a cute dork and most of them have treated me like crap at some point in the past when we were together. Freakin 2 or 3 of them have abused and used me in some way. And yet I still care about the idiots – argh.

I almost wish/want to talk to this guy who found me through the website with all my info on it because a part of me still wishes I could be with him, but I know I can't. It would never work with us because he doesn't accept me for me and isn't supportive of me and some of the things I've done in my life. Still he and I have a great connection, if only the other missing pieces were there and not missing then we could be together.

Okay, this kind of talking and thinking doesn't help me and it's not gonna get me anywhere because he and I, we don't fit together period. He doesn't accept how I have relationships with my girls and their families since I placed them for adoption. He thinks that I should leave and be completely out of the picture until my girls are older and decide if they want to come find me or not. He's one of those that thinks once you sign away your rights, you shouldn't be allowed to be part of your child's life anymore and thinks that I'm causing my girls more trauma and problems if I stay in their life through contact of letters, pics, and all. He's one of those closed minded, uneducated, ignorant ones that don't get it at all and that only support closed adoptions so that's one of the big reasons we can't be together, but there's more than just that reason too.

Anyway, men, bad pennies – why do they have to keep turning up?? I wish someone would just pick them up and throw them down a well or in a fountain where they'd never be found or get out to turn up again – argh.