True Confessions

From Sunday, March 12, 2006

So, here's my 'true confession' for the day – I'm still totally freaked out about dating again. I'm scared to trust a guy again, to open up about myself to him again, to be vulnerable again. How am I going to be able to open up, trust and be okay with being vulnerable again with another guy is what I wonder and think about sometimes.

I know it's an ongoing thing with me wondering and thinking about dating, trusting and being vulnerable with a guy again someday, but seriously it is something that unnerves and scares me a little at times when I think about it. I suppose that could be part of the reason why I'm so happy being single sometimes is because I don't have to open up, trust and be vulnerable with another guy again while I'm single.

Why has this thought, this fear surfaced again, you might be asking? Well, it's always there in the back of my mind and surfaces on and off, but it came to mind now because last night I went to a dance. That's nothing new, I've been to lots of dances before, but most of the time nothing much happens at these dances, but last night I had an all good experience at this dance for the first time and didn't meet any weirdos the whole night, which I thought was a miracle.

Anyway, I met this guy last night at the dance, we talked, danced and had fun. He wasn't weird, at least if he was being up front, honest and real and not being fake anyway. See, I don't trust people especially guys very easily like I once did. There's a part of me who always wonders if someone is being true with me when I first meet them or if they're putting on an act especially with guys.

So, if this guy was for real last night, then he was cool and I really liked him and enjoyed talking and hanging out with him. He was around my age, about 25 yrs old and he served an LDS mission and he was in one of my classes before. We had a good conversation and a good time talking and dancing and he got my phone number afterwards before we said goodbye and left the dance.

I don't know that he'll actually call me though, but maybe he will – you never know. Anyway, last night after the dance I was thinking I hoped and wanted this guy to call me because he was cool and I think it would be cool to hang out with him, get to know him better, but then again I was like well maybe I don't want him to call because then I wouldn't have to deal with facing these problems, issues, fears of trusting, opening up and being vulnerable with a guy again. So, one minute I want this guy to call and the other I don't, but we'll see if anything happens or not.

I just realized thinking about whether or not I really wanted this guy to call last night and today that I was unnerved and scared about having to open up, trust and be vulnerable with another guy. I don't know, I'm not scared about this all the time, but sometimes I am and somedays it unnerves me and others I can't wait to be with the right kind of guy in another relationship.

I guess that's the key is that when I'm with the right kind of guy in another relationship, I won't be scared as much. I think I will be scared and a little hesitant on the beginning – threshold of any new relationship with what I have from my past that causes me to be hesitant to trust as easily with guys now.

I don't know – I think I'm just starting to ramble now, but I know it'll work out when the time's right with the right guy and the right kind of relationship. In the meantime, I still am dealing with fears and issues of trusting, opening up and being vulnerable again and that's just part of what I have to deal with for now in my life.

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