From Monday, March 13, 2006
Well, here I am. My oldest birth daughter is turning 3 years old tomorrow. I can't believe she's already going to be 3 years old – tomorrow. I've been a birthmother for 3 years now – how's that for a reality check of sorts.
I mean I know there are more birthmothers out there with older children and that are in reunion with their adult children, but for me on my personal level, I just am thinking how bizarre it is to me that she's turning 3 years old. Well and that I've been a birthmother for 3 years already – it's been a heck of a rollercoaster ride for me in my life these past 3 years though. I'm glad to say that things are getting better, much better for me and my life nowadays.
On another note, just to let those of you know who don't already know this, I'm not a birthmother who regrets placing their children for adoption. I am secure, confident and have a 100% conviction that I did the right thing when I placed my girls for adoption. I know I did what was right and what was best for them. They were meant to be raised and be the daughters of their families they are being raised by (their adoptive families) and I don't regret it for a second. I never have and I never will.
While I don't regret it, it still is hard emotionally and very bittersweet for me not having my daughters with me, but I know this is the way it was meant to be for my daughters and me. I know there are others out there who also don't regret placing their children for adoption, but there are also others who do regret placing or giving up their child for adoption and I respect their feelings. It's totally fine if someone regrets placing or giving up their child for adoption, everyone has a right to their feelings and their view, but just to state here – my point of view and my feelings are that I don't regret placing my girls for adoption, but that's just me.
Even though I don't regret placing my girls for adoption, that doesn't mean that I don't love and miss them like crazy or that I don't want to be part of their lives because I do. I love both my girls deeply, unconditionally and more than I ever thought I could love and my love for both of them grows more and more each day even though they're not with me. I miss them and think of them every day and I love when I get to hear or know anything about them and I can't wait until they're older when I'll be able to have more of a relationship with them.
Speaking of knowing about my girls, I'm waiting and hoping for a letter, pictures and stuff from my 3 yr old (tomorrow) bdaughter's aparents about her birthday. I sent them a birthday package for my 3 yr old (tomorrow) last week and I hope they've gotten it. I can't wait to hear about her and her birthday and see pictures and hopefully get a home movie of her opening my bday presents to her soon =).
I've been a little emotional lately with her 3rd birthday coming up, writing her a special birthday letter, putting together and sending her birthday package and now it's almost here – tomorrow. I've been feeling a little down today especially this afternoon since I got home from school thinking about my bdaughter turning 3 tomorrow.
It's hard to explain how it is for me on the birthdays because they're happy, but they're hard for me. Missing my bdaughter, thinking of what I've missed and also what I've gained and well it's kind of like how you feel sad on the anniversary date of a person's death and also feel happy for them that they're at peace in a better place in a way. At least this is the best description I've been able to come up with so far.
So, my emotions go all over the place every year when one of my bchildren have a birthday. I also have emotional rollercoaster at Mother's Day time and sometimes at Christmas time a little bit too. Mainly my really hard emotional times and really crazy emotional rollercoaster times are on their birthdays and Mother's Day. Of course, I have random emotional times all the time throughout the year too.
Well, that's all there is to it, it just is an emotional thing, being a birthmother and it just is bittersweet and hard, sometimes more than others. It's all worth it to me though when I see how well my girls are doing in their families and how they're so happy and flourishing so well in their loving homes growing up.
The bottom line is it's all about my girls. Knowing they're happy, healthy, have everything they need or want and doing so well in their families is what makes me happy.