From Monday, April 24, 2006
The Bitter with the Sweet
So, I've just been thinking – something I do too much of sometimes. Anyway, I've been having bitter and sweet thoughts about different topics and it's getting crowded in my head with all these thoughts lol.
Well, first I was thinking about life and how things are good. I took my math final today and feel like I did pretty good on it. I feel like I should pass and do alright with passing my math class so now it's onto studying for my Environmental Biology final on Wednesday morning.
Anyway, I've just been thinking about how I'm almost done – one more final and then graduation – getting my Associates degree so I guess the reality of this chapter of my life ending and a new one beginning was dawning on me today. I mean I'll be moving out and transferring to the University this fall and starting that new chapter of my life and I'll be 29 in 1 mo 3 wks and 6 days lol – I only know the exact time cause of my ticker that's counting down until my bday for me :).
I was thinking of this chapter of my life ending and the new one beginning so I was feeling both sad and happy about it. Sad about all the good things and everything and everyone I'll miss when I move and start this new chapter of my life and Happy about the prospect of starting this new chapter of my life now :). I'm excited and melancholy all at the same time thinking about it. I mean, ya know what I mean here.
Then as my thoughts often down, they went wandering all over the place so that one minute I'm sad, the next I'm happy, one minute I'm thinking of the end of a chapter of my life and the other I'm thinking of the beginning of a new chapter of my life. Then my thoughts wandered to Mother's Day and thinking of the cards and gifts I have to send to my girls moms and stuff.
Thinking about Mother's Day and my girls, of course, lead me to think about the bitter and the sweet of that whole situation with each of my girls and being a birthmom/firstmom and what that's like for me each day. Well and then thinking about how I can't believe Allie's 3 yrs old already and she'll be 4 next year and that Kira will be 2 this November – where does the time keep going?
I just sometimes get on this kick with thinking about this stuff and think or realize more each time about what it really means to be a bmom/firstmom. I don't know, I mean I don't regret that I placed my girls and I know I did what was right and best and I wouldn't change anything, but I still have the pain, the grief and the healing process I deal with every single day.
I think that some people who've told me that it gets easier as your child gets older, meaning the 3rd birthday would be easier than the 1st one, weren't giving me accurate information when they said that. Actually, sometimes, I think it gets harder as they get older, but then again some aspects or things about it do kind of get a little easier, but I don't really know how to explain or say what I'm thinking or feeling or wanting to say here. Does anyone understand what I'm trying to say here?
Anyway, those are just my random thoughts for now. Oh and can I just say I hate that I have to deal with insecurities, fears and being a recovering codependent sometimes. Sometimes I wish I didn't worry so much about myself or my reaction to things or overthink and overanalyze things so much.
Blah de blah :op.