From Thursday, March 09, 2006

I woke up this morning all disturbed from a dream I had last night. Then I remembered I'd had a few dreams that were disturbing last night, but this particular one was the one I woke up right after and the one that is still on my mind.

It's been on my mind all day and it was bugging me earlier trying to figure out if the dream meant anything or not. I don't know, ya know. Sometimes I have dreams with meanings and sometimes they're just nonsense ya know. Anyway, I woke up from this dream wondering if I should do something or not and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it yet.

I dreamed about my nephew that was placed for adoption 21 years ago. I just thought it was weird because I've been thinking about him on and off wanting to find him and know about him, but holding off because of not being sure about my sister's thoughts and feelings on it. Well, it's a complicated thing really.

So, my dream, I dreamt that my parents went and signed up to get non-identifying info from the agency that was used with the adoption of my nephew and they found out where my nephew was and everything in my dream. They came to me and told me what they'd found out and gave me the info and I went and talked to the agency and some people in my dream and found out that my birth nephew had been abused when he was little and I felt all bad in my dream because of what I found out about my birth nephew. I don't know that means anything, but it was really strange. Well and they told me his name in my dream, but I don't know if it means anything – it was really weird so this name, Derek, popped up in my dream and keeps sticking out in my mind from my dream.

His name that my sister gave him was Christopher Scott and then in my dream they were saying his name now was Derek, where did I get the name Derek from, I wonder? I don't know anyone with the name Derek so I don't know where that name came from in my dream unless it actually means something, but nah, it couldn't mean anything, could it?

So, I don't know what to think about the dream or if I should think anything about it. Maybe it didn't mean anything. Maybe it was just some of my thoughts about my birth nephew and wondering about him manifesting themselves through my subconscious in my dreams.

I don't know I just keep wondering if from this dream, should I go talk to the agency about finding anything out about my birth nephew or should I just keep leaving it alone like I have been? Should I put some info out there on a reunion registry website or not? Is my birth nephew out there wondering about his birth mother and birth family or not?

Man, it's been about a month since I visited this question and these thoughts about my birth nephew and whether I should do anything or not. I was just leaving it alone for now, but now I'm wondering if I should talk to my sister or something?

I mean did this dream mean something? Did I dream about this to get me to talk to my sister, the agency and/or put info on a website or did I dream about this so I would leave it alone? I'm gonna drive myself crazy thinking about this so I'm just gonna try not to think about it, but then the more I tell myself not to think about it, the more I will think about it. It's just the way it is, ya know. Man, I hate that.

I think I need to come to a decision and do something with this whole situation in regards to possibly finding out about my birth nephew or not though. I just haven't talked to my sister because I've been trying to find a kind of good time to talk to her about it, but it's hard when she's in California and I'm in Utah and she's got a lot of stuff going on with her right now that's not good and is stressing her out. So I haven't talked to her because I don't want to add to her stress or her battle with depression that she's dealing with right now. Well and there's a lot going on with her kids that she has with her right now so I didn't think now was a good time to bring this topic about my birth nephew up with her.

So, I'm wondering if there's something I should or could do without having an uneasy conscience about it without talking to my sister right now. I don't know. I just keep going round in circles when I go through everything as far as my options with this situation every time I think about it and I just keep coming back to, "I don't know", and then I just set it aside and leave it alone. Then a while later I revisit it and go through the same thing and end up at the same place of I don't know and leave it alone for a while again – it's frustrating me.

Apparently, I can't find peace with myself at leaving things alone with this situation regarding my birth nephew and wanting to know about him. I mean ya know because I keep coming back to this and revisiting and re thinking through my options with this situation over and over trying to find something I can do and not have an uneasy conscience about it.

I don't think I'm going to be at peace with this until I know something about my birth nephew. I wonder what it is that keeps getting at me and pushing me to want to know about my birth nephew so much. I mean you'd think I was his birth mother the way I keep thinking and wondering about him wanting to know that he had a good life and I'm not, I'm his birth/biological aunt, but I still want to know about him and my parents want to know about him too. I keep trying to be patient and hope that we'll find out about my birth nephew, but it's still there in the back of my mind even when I say I'm gonna leave it alone, ya know.