From Sunday, May 14, 2006
Adoption is not for the weak…
Nor is it for the faint of heart. This is something that's been on my mind for the past few days since I received my first Mother's Day gift of an 8×10 picture of my 18 mo old (on May 21).
It was just one of those things where once again another realization on another level was registering with me about what it really means to be a firstmother and to place a child or children for adoption. It's just that I remember sitting and looking at my almost 18 mo old's picture and she's adorable, beautiful and getting so big, but what struck me is how much she looks like me. She's so much like a carbon copy of me, it's uncanny to look at her pictures at times and looking at her looking like me, it hit me the realization of the loss of not having her with me, not having my adorable mini me daughter in tow raising her myself.
I mean I've had that realization before, but once again the realization came on a different level and in a different way that I'm not sure quite how to explain, but you might know what I'm saying if you're a firstparent too. It was just another one of these things that hits me when I think to myself that as they get older, I realize and feel the losses more in some ways of not having been able to raise them myself. This goes back to my realization with when people have told me it gets easier as they get older because the older my girls get, it seems I feel and realize more the losses I have in a way or realize more what I really did/signed up for when I placed my girls and became a firstmother, if that makes any sense.
I was thinking about it the other day while staring at my almost 18 mo old's picture and thought that I guess another way to say what I'm experiencing in a way is that as I get further away moving forward with my life and look back at times on that time and making the choice to place both my girls, I see it all that much more clearly now, kind of like hindsight being 20/20, ya know. I know I did what was right and best for my girls and me in those situations, but it doesn't make it any easier sometimes especially around Mother's Day time of the year.
What kills me if I think too much on it, is that I know that I am in a better place now with an Associates degree getting ready to move out so that if I were to have my girls now, I'd be in a better place to parent. I don't know if I would parent if I was having my girls now, but I know I'm in a better place now than I was before and I wasn't as ready or as able 18 mos and 3 yrs ago to give my girls what they needed. I could've raised them, but it wasn't meant to be and I know this is the way and what is best for them, it's just hard at times like these when I have these realizations on different levels of my losses and what I really signed up for when I became a firstmother.
I mean can you imagine little girls playing together and talking about what they want to be when they grow up and one of them saying, "I can't wait to grow up, hook up with some guy (maybe a loser, maybe not) and have a baby and place them for adoption because I want to be a birthmom/firstmom when I grow up" ha. That would be the day to hear a little girl wish to be a firstmom when they grew up.
Anyway, so earlier this week and on and off so far this weekend, I've been having a hard time emotionally and thinking of my losses on and off, but also thinking of my gains of the wonderful families my girls are with and of my girls being raised so well and being so happy and healthy. There is the losses and hard part of it all, but there is also gains and a good part to it too, which I sometimes don't always remember or see. I try to be positive, but sometimes you just need to cry, be angry or what have you just as long as I don't let the negative consume me, I feel fine, but that's just me.
Anyway, I'm blessed because I received such beautiful 8×10 pics of each of my darling girls and other added fun gifts for Mother's Day from my girls families so that helps me with this time of year. I'm sure that no matter what anyone else gives me to recognize me for Mother's Day, it won't mean quite as much to me as the gifts from my girls families and those two beautiful 8×10 pics of my adorable, darling girls.
I also received a lovely e-mail from my almost 18 mo old's mom telling me thanks for the Mother's Day and Bday gift I'd sent her and wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. One of the other of the best Mother's Day gifts I received this year was that e-mail from my almost 18 mo old's mom especially when she wrote in the e-mail, acknowledging me as my 18 mo old's mother. She said "I truly hope you have a Happy Mother's Day as you are also a mother to K as well" and that meant the world to me to have her acknowledge me as a mother to my daughter even though my daughter is also her daughter and she's raising my 18 mo old.
That's one of the best Mother's Day presents ever is that I was acknowledged as my 18 mo old's mother also by her mother :). I'm glad that I have my girls and their families as such wonderful peoples at this time of year though because it shows me there's more to mothers than just my mother who I have a hard time with a lot of the time.
Anyway, it's getting late and I better hurry to bed so I can get up and get to church. I hope everyone has a Happy Mother's Day and a good weekend. I have more to catch up on about my trip to Zions and life. I've been busy since I got back from the trip and what not so haven't written in here until now.
Well, goodnight and laters for now :).