From Saturday, May 06, 2006
A Moment of Clarity
Have any of you had a moment of clarity before? Like a moment of clarity regarding life, your place in life, your destiny, something important about yourself, your life or something.
Well, I just had a moment of clarity – at 4 in the morning. I know, hard to believe sometimes what times clarity chooses to come. I just was in my bathroom and looked in the mirror and had a moment of clarity. A personal realization of sorts about myself, I guess you could say.
It's just that I looked in the mirror and saw myself clearly, more clearly than I do on a daily basis. And well, I was amazed at what I saw in myself and who I saw in the mirror. I mean has anyone else experienced this…I don't mean or want to sound conceded or stuck up, but when I had this moment of clarity looking at myself in the mirror – it took my breath away for lack of better phrase or words to describe what I'm wanting to express and say here about what I saw when I looked at myself in the mirror. It almost seems unreal when I try to put the experience down here in words.
I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well or clearly and I'm not sure I know how to explain it all that well. I looked at myself in the mirror and all of a sudden I was seeing a whole new me – a different part of me and I found myself thinking as I looked at myself – wow, I really am beautiful. I say that because I don't always look in the mirror and think I'm pretty, beautiful or any of that – I know self-esteem issues that I constantly battle with on a daily basis.
It took me by surprise in a way to look in the mirror and see me in that light though. I mean that I was looking in the mirror and thinking to myself when did I become so beautiful. I found myself staring at myself in shock seeing myself in this new light and thinking to myself – when did my hair get so pretty, when did my eyes become so blue, when did my eyes stand out and become so striking, when did my face become so pretty and radiant even though I have acne I deal with at times. I mean I don't know how to explain and I probably sound strange here, but that's what happened in my moment of clarity about myself.
I'm really not trying to be stuck up here and I hope this doesn't come across that way. I'm trying to explain a personal moment of clarity about myself and not sure if it's coming out the way I want it too. Maybe it's something that's better understood if you've experienced it yourself…I don't know.
Anyway, I just saw myself in this new light and had this moment of clarity about myself and wanted to try to write it down so I did. Oh and also after I had this moment of clarity about myself – I realized that if I'm beginning to become more beautiful and see this in myself, that means that guy I'm going to marry out there somewhere is going to see this too and I can't hide from it.
I'm going to have to go into a relationship, open up and trust someone again one day, probably sooner than later and sometimes that scares me still. I sometimes get so comfortable with my life and routines and being happily single that I think to myself, maybe I don't need to get married, but I still want to get married and have more children to raise as my own.
I know this guy's out there waiting for me, but sometimes I think maybe it's not going to happen and maybe I don't need it to happen. Then I have a moment of clarity about myself and realize it's only a matter of time before this guy out there sees me and the beauty in me and doesn't rest until I'm with him and until I face that fear that still lurks around at times about having to trust a man again with my love, my heart and my soul and myself.
Deep thoughts for this time in the morning, I know. Well, I better get some sleep before I have to get up and finish packing to leave on my trip for the next 5 days – YAY me =).