YAY!!! Sharing Time!

I just got home from my little trip back to my apt…I’ll be back here for a little less than two weeks finishing up things for the wedding and getting married – ACK!!!  Then I’ll be moving…YAY!!!

Anyway, since we just got back, there was a pile of mail for me and one of them was a Mother’s Day card from my 3 1/2 yr old’s mom with some of my favorite candy – YAY!  I got a little note with a gift card in my e-mail from my 5 yr old’s mom on Mother’s Day also…but anyway finding this Mother’s Day card since I came back was a pleasant surprise for me.

What made me so freakin happy is that in the note in the Mother’s Day card, my 3 1/2 yr old’s mom told me that my 3 1/2 yr old says she loves me, well my 3 1/2 yr old told her or has started saying lately” I love Anne” and wanted to make sure her mom wrote in my card to tell me that and send me blow kisses.  It also said/sounded like she’s started saying more when they mention me etc. that she loves me and sends me “blow kisses” – can you just imagine how adorable that is.

That just made my day, my week, my month etc. to hear that my 3 1/2 yr old is saying she loves me and sending me “blow kisses” all the time and especially for Mother’s Day – I was so overwhelmed with emotion and joy when I read that in the card.  I just wish I could have hugged that sweet little princess, given her kisses back and told her I love her too.  I mean sure I send/write to my 3 1/2 yr old that I love her and send her hugs and kisses all the time…but for some reason reading that card this time made me want to scoop her up in a bear hug cause she’s so adorable.

I also recently heard from my 5 yr old’s mom in an e-mail in March or April that they had more to tell me later because my 5 yr old is really understanding and recognizing more who I am to her as her bmom etc…I’m still waiting on all the details from them…but that was the basic update they gave me…so my heart was full to overflowing with love and gratitude when I read that my 3 1/2 yr old is starting to understand a little more who I am now as well.

I don’t know how to explain it really, but I just feel like so many emotions, but some of the stronger ones are joy and a type of achievement or satisfaction, perhaps, in knowing that my girls are starting to know me and will know as they continue to get older who I am and how much I deeply and unconditionally love them.  And that all the pain and heartache and range of emotions in dealing with the bitter and the sweet in keeping up contact with them and their families, letting them know that I’m here for them when they want to talk to me or meet me and that I’ll always love them unconditionally, which at times has been a lot harder than I thought it would be, it’s really all working and they’re starting to acknowledge and respond more to me and my efforts as they’re growing up and understanding everything more.

I don’t know if any of this is even making sense, because I’m trying to figure out how to put it all into words and because it’s so awesome to me to know that my girls can see me in pictures and movies and know who I am.  They can hear and recognize my voice from home movies I send and they have gifts and things they both use and hopefully will cherish one day from me with them and in their homes.  They can and have started to say or have their moms tell me that they love me and send me blow kisses…I just can’t tell you how much that does for me, how much it warms my heart and then breaks it at the same time, but how much more than the pain I feel overwhelmed with joy and hope for the future with my relationships with their families and with my girls.

And so I had to share…and to my 3 1/2 yr old, I love you too and *send blow kisses back and hugs* and to my 5 yr old, I’m so happy to know you’re understanding and knowing more who I am, I love you and *send hugs and kisses* to you too.

“P.S. I Love You”

It’s a great movie…it’s a chick flick by most definitions, but it’s one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while in that category.

I definitely recommend you rent it and watch it, if you haven’t seen it already…but when you watch it…make sure you have tissues handy because it may just catch you off guard and you may end up crying or at least getting teary eyed in parts.

I didn’t cry…but I came close in a couple parts and I did get teary eyed quite a few times…but I also laughed and smiled and it was a movie that was about love, loss, grief, mourning, moving forward with life and happiness – finding it no matter the circumstances and so many other messages came across in the movie to me.

I LOVED the movie and want to go buy it and add it to my collection now.  I highly recommend it.

On another topic, I had a pretty good Mother’s Day, but right before I went to watch the movie with my fiance, I was having some of the Mother’s Day Blues hit, you know the ones…it’s just that I sent e-cards and gift cards to both my girls moms and my own mom and both my girls moms sent me something, said thanks and acknowleged me, but my own mom didn’t.

This was the first Mother’s Day since I placed my first, who’s now 5, that my own mother said nothing to me and sent nothing to me on Mother’s Day.  I didn’t call her though I debated about it, but I thought hey I sent her a card/e-card and a gift certificate so I thought she would call or e-mail me back to say thanks or to send me something to say Happy Mother’s Day, but she didn’t do anything.

I, of course, haven’t been talking to her really at all for the past week or so since I left on my little vacation down here to AZ to visit and help my fiance’s parents with wedding reception planning for down here.  Plus I did take the break to come down here on this little vacation to take a break from her and her constant harrassing and twenty questions driving me crazy with stress etc. with the wedding planning.  If you know much about me and my relationship with my mom, you know I don’t get along the best with her and there were many issues that came out in counseling that had to do with her and that I discovered that she was a big part of reasons why I made choices I did even though I ultimately made my own choices and everything else on my own – she contributed greatly to the way some things happened, which weren’t positive and it also boiled down to co-dependency, which I’m now a recovering co-dependent, but my mom has not figured these things out yet and tries to suck me back in to her world where she controls me and everything, which I don’t let her control me or my life in any way anymore.

My mom and I have grown apart over the past 5 years or so because when I started to realize her unhealthy influence on me and start working on my own path of being healthy without letting her have the same power and influence on me as she use to have most of my life, it was when I had and placed my first girl.  Then it became even more of a noticeable distance and more of a noticeable gap that I let grow and pushed away from her and her unhealthy influence 3 1/2 -4 years ago when I realized even more through counseling as well as my own personal insights etc. how unhealthy it was for me to let my mom in my life too much because of the co-dependency issues and self-esteem issues.

It’s just that I use to always know without a doubt that even though my mom and I don’t get along the best, she would at least acknowledge me and thank me for her cards and gifts on Mother’s Day and she didn’t this year.  I don’t know if she didn’t do it because I didn’t call because I thought the card and gift certificate was good enough or if she didn’t do it cause she didn’t want to stress me out more, but the sad thing is…I think and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she did it just to spite me, to be petty and throw a tantrum in her own way because I wasn’t there on Mother’s Day, because I took a break from her, because I don’t let her control me anymore, because I don’t let her in my life the way she wants so she can control things anymore, because I haven’t let her plan MY wedding the way she wants it, because I have taken a stand for myself even with her as my own mother and she doesn’t like it, because I didn’t call her even though I sent her a card and a gift certificate…when I didn’t even feel like doing that much for her on Mother’s Day.

It hurts me, saddens me and upsets me to think that my own mother would and may have stooped that low to hurt me because things aren’t going her way and I’m not letting her in my life to control me or do what she wants anymore.

But at least my fiance and his family recognized me and were great with me for Mother’s Day and at least both my girls mothers recognize me and sent me something too.  My sister-in-law and a few other family members at least sent me something even though my own sister and my own mother didn’t…it doesn’t bother me so much that my own sister didn’t even though I sent her something…it just bothered me that my own mother couldn’t send me anything or even at least just have thanked me for her card and gift certificate…but I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised and I suppose there’s always the chance that I’ll get an e-mail or a call in the next day or two from her saying she’s sorry she was busy or something and that’s why she didn’t acknowledge me on Mother’s Day…somehow I don’t know if any excuse she gives will be enough…that’s just more reason to me for the rift between us to grow and more reason to me why I still won’t let her back in my life the way she wants to be where she can control me and things.

So, that’s how I was thinking and feeling when I cuddled up with my fiance and we watched the movie, “P.S. I Love You” and then I realized while watching it and after it was over that I have the most important people in my life who love me unconditionally, respect me and acknowledge me whether my own mother does or not.  I have one of the best things that’s ever happened to me in my fiance…he always looks out for me and my well being and he was the one who suggested this break from things and saw how the stress and my mom was affecting me negatively and he’s pampered me, let me stay up late, sleep in, help when I can, do what I want and never forced or pressured me into anything.  He spoils me rotten, he’s truly my other half and when I was watching this movie about love and life, I realized for the first time, I have what I want and I don’t have to look anymore…this is really it.

I don’t know how to explain it really, but in the past when I was dating, semi-engaged or unofficially engaged etc. with other guys and we watched some love story movie together…I always found myself looking at myself and the guy I was with watching the movie and wondering if this was really as good as it got and couldn’t there be someone better for me out there…I realized often times watching those kinds of movies with other guys that they weren’t the ones for me and watching those love story movies with these other guys in my past made me think and want more than what I had with that guy or in that relationship.

But this time, watching this movie of a love story, I knew that this wasn’t as good as it gets, that it will only get better for me with my fiance, that our love will only grow deeper and stronger…and I knew that there is absolutely no way that there could be anyone better out there for me than him…he is it and I couldn’t be happier nor could I have picked a better guy than him.  What watching this movie of this love story made me realize was that I had the best there was for me and it made me want to enjoy and make every moment with him the best.

It made me realize I’m the lucky one and that life’s too short to dwell on what I may not have with my mother or others when I have something this wonderful with my fiance and such great friendships and relationships with both my girls mothers and so many friends and others, you know who you all are.  I couldn’t be luckier, more blessed and more loved than I am.

Thanks to all of you who love me unconditionally and are always there for me, you know who you are and I send all my love and hugs to all of you as well.

I did it…

I sent an invite to my wedding reception to the boy and his friends…I didn’t think I would for a while there with how things were going between us with the break up and all…but I did.

Whether they show up to the open house/reception is another question…but I did send them an invite.

I’m getting married in 17 days…if you can believe that…where does the time go?

I’ve been putting off writing e-mails and blogs for a while now because I’ve had too much to write and because I’ve been getting things ready for my wedding etc. and the past week or so I’ve been on a little vacation…taking a break from things and the stress I was having from the wedding stuff combined with life and all other stresses.

I’m about to go back from my little vacation this week and then it’s going to be a little crazy and stressful again finishing up things for the wedding, moving and all.  We’re going to be living down by Lake Powell for the summer…maybe longer depending on multiple things so we’ll see how that goes.

Today is Mother’s Day too…that’s a whole other blog or two to write later also.  I got a rose and a card from my fiance for Mother’s Day and e-cards/gift cards from both my girls mom’s and I sent them e-cards/gift cards also – funny how we thought alike this year on what we gave each other for Mother’s Day .

Anyway, I think that’s about all for now…I have other blogs sitting in my head and around to put here…but for now this is what I’ve got and I’m planning to hopefully write some more specific thoughts on Mother’s Day later on.

I hope everyone has a Happy Mother’s Day…I know mine has been so far and will be one of the best ones !

Reflecting…

It’s just from watching some movies I’ve watched lately, things that have been going on with life and all…I suppose…but I’ve been reflecting on life and having some trips down memory lane recently.

There’s too much to say all right now, but let’s say first of all, I saw Juno against my better judgment and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I didn’t think it was that well done and of course, it wasn’t realistic at all from my perspective.  Some parts in the movie, I saw hints of the real life version of what would have been going on in that situation with unplanned pregnancy, adoption, marital problems etc., but they weren’t more than just hints.

Of course, there were a few parts that really kind of got to me as was to be expected and I found myself holding back tears and aching some having the memories come back to me of when I went through my experiences of having, placing, meeting the adoptive parents/families and so forth.  I held back tears and remarks a few times during the movie because I was watching it with one of my roommates as well as my fiance and my roommate doesn’t know.

Anyway, there’s just been a lot going on with planning the wedding, dealing with the boy (recent past bf) and his friend(s) being mean and whatever to me and then not talking and then apologizing and talking again – who knows.  I just feel like that song all over again right now when thinking of the boy and his friend(s)…the song I mentioned before in a recent past post called “My Give a Damns Busted” by Jo Dee Messina.  There’s some other songs that I think probably would describe my feelings on that better, but that’s one of them…I’m just tired of all the emotional rollercoaster stuff with them and the whole trying to be friends thing so I’m feeling like it’s time to just let it go and whatever will be, will be.

I’m also feeling melancholy and reflecting on life because all my roommates are moving out as of tomorrow/Tuesday and then I’ll be moving out soon…I’m feeling like this part of my life, this era, is coming to a close and a new one’s beginning with getting married and all and some of it, starting this new era, closing the other one and everything is making me feel sad and long for some of my past days…while at the same time getting more excited and anxious to start this new era, this new adventure with getting married and moving forward with my life.

It’s just all so exciting and scary all at the same time leaving one thing and moving onto another in life.  All the changes…they both thrill and make you a little nervous and scared all at the same time.

Anyway, just some random thoughts of mine while I’ve been reflecting on how my life’s gone in the past year or so and on where I am now to where I was a year or two ago.  It’s just interesting where life takes you and how things happen as they do so you end up where you do in your life.

Have to say…

I’ve had a lot of posts forming and sitting in my mind, but haven’t written them out yet…but let’s just say I’ve been stressing because of my mother and everything so my fiance and I are going to go back down to stay with his parents for a week.

We’re going down there so I can get away from my mother and get a break and so that we can help them out with getting things ready for the open house/reception we’ll be having down there.  Also we’ve decided to move and live down there with his parents for the summer so we’ll probably check out some jobs down there while we’re there for a week or two.

All I can say is I’ve just about reached my limit with my mother…so I’m glad I’m going down there for a little while.

AUGH!

I also have some adoption posts forming and sitting in my mind…but I haven’t written them cause I haven’t wanted to deal with those emotions on top of everything else right now, but stay tuned…I promise to write some more soon.

Follow up to “Feeling Chicken”

Alright I’m sick and tired of having this comment sit there in my queue on my blog so here goes nothing…I’m posting the comment and responding to it.

I’m not putting who it is or anything else because I don’t want to point fingers and I’m trying to be understanding of her point of view and that she maybe isn’t totally educated or doesn’t totally understand so I’m going to respond to the comment now.

So, here’s the comment that has been sitting here on my blog waiting to be approved, now keep in mind this was a comment in response to a birthday blog I wrote when A turned 5 recently in March, see below to blog titled “After 5 years…” :

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if you didn’t know her parents or how to contact her. I know that’s an odd thing to say, but to be able to reach out and just barely touch her life year after year is just a constant reminder of your pain, making it impossible to let go. Whereas if you hadn’t been able to keep in touch, you would have gone through the “stages of grief” (ok, even I admit they aren’t often sequential and can be cyclical…and been able to heal. I’m not saying you wouldn’t still be sad sometimes, but I believe it would have been easier. *sigh* I also wonder how it will affect her down the road…

My response to this is: Oh, you wonder if it would have been easier if I didn’t know her parents or how to contact her or anything about her, well, I think I’m the judge of that and I know it would not be “easier” for me if I didn’t know. My sister placed her son for adoption in a closed adoption when she was 18 where she didn’t know and it wasn’t “easier” for her and it wasn’t “easier” for my family either. We often wonder and think about him and if we’ll ever know because we didn’t know and we still don’t and it’s not “easier”.

Yes, there is that constant reminder of my pain being able to reach out and be part of her life at times, but guess what…it doesn’t matter whether I was a part of her life as I am or not, whether I know or not, it would NOT be easier and there would still be constant reminders of the fact that she is not with me. Do you think that I wouldn’t be reminded of the fact that she isn’t with me and the pain if I didn’t know, I carried her for nine months, I gave birth to her, I took care of her for a few days, I felt her first movements of life, heard her first heartbeat and so many things…how could I not have a reminder of the pain or the fact that she isn’t with me every year on her birthday. I would always remember her birthday whether I knew or not, I would always remember her whether I was part of her life the way I am or not, she is part of me and I am part of her, it is a reality that nothing can make it “easier” or make it so I don’t have some kind of constant reminder of her not being with me especially on her birthday.

Oh and you think that I would just process through the stages of grief, heal and move on without constant reminders and what not if I hadn’t known, if I wasn’t part of her life the way I am…news flash you go through the grief and don’t ever completely let go and move on from something like this. She is my child that I gave birth to…there is a bond there and yes I chose to place her and feel it was right and best but there is still a bond there and no matter what, the constant reminders that she isn’t with me, the pain and whatever else aren’t going to go away and nothing is going to make it “easier” the way you say.

You believe it would have been “easier”…you believe it would have been easier…well good for you and your belief, but it’s not the reality and how would you know, have you placed a child for adoption, have you experienced this, are you me, do you live my life every day…I think not so I really don’t think you have a place to say that you think it would have been “easier” for me had I not known about my girls, if I wasn’t part of their lives, or anything else.

How nice, you also wonder how this will affect my girls down the road…well they’re healthy, they’re happy and they’re fine. Between myself, my family and their families we’re handling things and their families are discussing things with them as they see fit and I write to them and we have good relationships and friendships. My 5 year old is just starting to understand more who I am and my 3 1/2 year old will start to understand more as she’s older and it will be their choice as to what happens, but we (myself and both my girls parents) are doing our best to make it a positive thing for them so thank you for your concern but once again I really don’t think it’s your place to say.

If my response isn’t enough, there are many others of my friends who have placed who agree that when I asked them what they thought in response to this comment, they said things like this:

One friend said this :

Not knowing who your child’s parents are (or even your child’s name) is indescribable and definitely not “easier”. IMO

Another said this:

Great rhetoric that aparents and agencies can tell themselves when they want to push closed adoptions though…..

Do it so it’s “easier” on us…cause I’m sure that’s first priority….

Yet another response:

In regards to if that person hit my blog and wrote that, I’d have to correct her. I could not sit there and let that post stay without either commenting or posting a new blog in response.

And another:

It’s NOT easier if you don’t know anything about your child, NOT ONE BIT!
And I’m sorry, but you have a right to feel how you feel! And how can that be wrong?

And another:

really don’t know what to say. just someone who doesn’t know what the truth is.

There were, of course others similar to these responses, but I didn’t post them, but feel free to comment or message me if you have something you’d like to add to my blog in response to this comment here.

As you can see, I had some anger with this comment and now I feel somewhat better having finally written this although the person who left the comment probably won’t like this as much but I had to get this out of my system so there you have it.

Feeling “Chicken”…

And a little stressed…to say the least…anyway…back to the feeling “chicken” statement…which would have to do with the fact that as most of you know my first girl I placed, A, turned 5 almost a month ago now and I wrote a birthday blog on her birthday.

Well I’ve never really had it happen to me before…but an uneducated person left a comment on that post that really upset me and bothered me at the time…it still does…I’ve not been dwelling on it completely because of the whirlwind of other things going on with planning my wedding and so forth…but every time I look at my blog…the comment is still sitting there waiting for me to moderate and approve it or not and I haven’t approved it because it ticks me off and I feel like I should probably quote the comment and respond to it, but at the same time I’ve been avoiding it and not wanting to deal with posting or responding to it because of how it kinda really got to me…which I’ve calmed down a lot since the initial reading and processing of the stupid comment, but I’m feeling ‘chicken’ about responding and letting my emotions out about the comment on the blog to the public eye view.

Anyway, I know I’ll do it in the next while here…because if I don’t it’ll most likely eat at me and I’m getting tired of having it sit there waiting for me to moderate it and decide if I will approve it or not.  Take a wild guess as to whether I approve it or not…grrr.

I have too much to say and haven’t formed it all the way I want just yet…but it’s coming and I’m working through it in my head and so forth.

Things are a little crazy ha ha!

That’s putting it mildly…but yeah what do I expect when I’m planning my wedding and dealing with life etc….ya know =P.

So, let’s see we’ve got half, well, actually more than half of the wedding planned so far, which is good considering the fact that it’s coming up really fast and I’m kinda freakin out and having stress about it among general things in life.

It keeps sinking in on different levels that I’m actually getting married, but it’s still kinda surreal and all, if ya know what I mean.

I still have quite a bit to do for having done as much as I have though…this week’s going to be busy…I have to look/decide on my wedding dress, wedding cake, work on invitations, go to the dr./clinic and my future hubby wants to look at apts for him to move into at the end of this month and then I’ll move in with him after we’re married the next month – eek!

Ya know what I think kinda freaks me out here besides that I’m actually getting married here and to my match – the perfect/best guy for me – is the reality that most likely within the next year or so here I’ll probably have a baby that will be the first one that I parent after having had and placed both my girls.

That concept and thought is kind of a weird one for me.  I mean it’s exciting and nervewracking and everything all together, if ya know what I mean.  But yeah I’m not focusing on that thought too much yet because I’m just trying to get through all the planning and the wedding etc. before I deal with the oh my gosh moment I’ll have when I find I’m pregnant at some point after being married – which will probably happen sooner than I think though, but ya never know…just focusing on the wedding and making it through the rest of the planning right now though, ya know =P.

Okay so I’m feelin a little crazy and a little all over the place with the wedding and all lately, but yeah that should be no big surprise to you, if you know me well at all ha ha =P.

Disturbed & Uneasy…

…is how I’m feeling ever since I had a kind of disturbing dream last night that woke me up…it featured my recent last boyfriend (aka the boy) in it and at first it seemed like some meaningless and harmless dream for bothering me but then it got all weird by the end of the dream when I woke up feeling uneasy and kinda freaked out.

I don’t remember everything about the dream…I just have had this lingering uneasy feeling about it and about him all day and I feel like I want to run away and hide because I’m so uneasy and I’m not sure exactly why.

I have some ideas why…but at the same time…it was only a dream so I don’t know…it just freaked me out.  If you don’t know the story about the boy and his friend yet…let me give a quick version here…his friend that I was trying to stay friends with after I broke up with the boy went weird on me with saying and asking me all sorts of things that aren’t his business through my facebook messages so it kinda got ugly the other night and I stopped responding to him and blocked him.  He started cussing and being more of a jerk toward me in his last message and the whole thing was just a mess so I left it alone, but I have suspicions that the boy was in on some of what this so called friend was saying to me in the messages although I don’t know for sure…I wouldn’t be surprised and that kind of upset me more than this friend because I thought the boy meant it when he said in the past that he cared about me and always would and then did this…but what do I expect, right…anyway.

So, part of the messages was that supposedly the boy found out I’m engaged and wanted/wants to meet with my guy and me to discuss things with us and both my guy and I and my family were all like why?  why would he or does he think he needs to meet and discuss this with us…my thoughts were I was with him for 1 1/2 years….like about 18 months and what could there possibly be left to say between him and me right now especially in regards to my getting married.  Oh and his friend also said they wonder if I’m doing this out of spite and I’m like uh hello…this isn’t about the boy/ex…this is about me and my guy and what we feel is right not about the boy.

Something that this so called friend said that is really what upset me and kind of hurt especially coming from someone I thought cared and was my friend, which apparently they’re not and maybe never were was that he said to me when I told him to basically mind his own business because I felt like he was trying to pry, being judgmental and so forth toward me that because I wanted him to back off with some of the things he was saying that meant he’s right and I’m wrong and when my guy and I get divorced, I’ll realize that they were my only true friends and the only ones who really cared about me.

Um, excuse me, but what kind of “friend” says that to someone and what kind of caring about me is that huh?  Oh and they’re such true friends…if that’s what “true friends” say and do, I don’t need or want them.  Okay so I’m a little angry right now…but you probably would be too if you were in my position.

Oh and if they’re my only “true friends” and the only ones who really care about me, then what is my family and his family or my other friends…they’re not true, they don’t care about me…um yeah right.  My family are the truest friends I have and they are the ones who care about me more than anyone except God and guess what, my family and my guy’s family and my other friends all are happy for me, they all feel good about me and my guy and us getting married…my family loves him and his family loves me and we fit together and we fit in/with each other’s families too.

So, ya know what, the “friend” and the boy are kind of outnumbered here because they are the only ones who think we need to talk, who think I might be making a rash decision, who think I’m going to end up divorced, who think I need to get their permission or something so yeah I don’t think so.

I’m half expecting the “friend” or the boy to try to contact me in some other way, but one can always hope and I was feeling disturbed and uneasy about it, but ya know what…now that I wrote this…I’m not…ya know what…now I feel like going “bring it on” because if they think they’re going to ruin anything for me, they’ve got another thing coming.

If ya wanna know how I feel go to my myspace page and listen to the first song on my play list…if you can’t get access to my myspace, the song’s called, “Give a Damn” by Jo Dee Messina” and here’s the lyrics.  I was introduced to this song by my guy and one of my best friends who had it on her myspace page the other day =).  If you haven’t heard the song, you should look it up and listen to it.  Anyway here’s the lyrics to it:

Artist/Band: Messina Jo Dee
Lyrics for Song: My Give A Damn Busted
Lyrics for Album: Other Songs

Well, you filled up my head with so many lies.
You twisted my heart till somethin’ snapped inside.
I’d like to give it one more try,
But my give-a-damn’s busted.

You can crawl back home, say you were wrong;
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long.
Well, go ahead and water the lawn:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, sorry: nothin’.

You can say you’ve got issues, you can say you’re a victim.
It’s all your parents fault, after all you didn’t pick ‘em.
Maybe somebody else has got time to listen:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

Well, your therapist says it was all a mistake:
A product of the Prozac an’ your co-dependent ways.
So who’s your neighbor these days?
My give-a-damn’s busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, still nothin’.

It’s a desperate situation, no tellin’ what you’ll do.
If I don’t forgive you, you say your life is through.
C’mon, gimme somethin’ I can use:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

Well, I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:
No, I’m sorry.
Just nothin’, you know.
You’ve really done it this time, ha, ha.
My give-a-damn’s busted.

So, there ya have it.  I gotta run and get some things done.

After 5 Years…

It’s all still here…all the pain, sadness, happiness…the bitter with the sweet…I can still remember clearly holding my baby girl in my arms and the bitter with the sweet when thinking of her and those few days I had before I placed her in the arms of her parents.

I was talking to my Dad on the phone a little bit ago and we were talking about how we can’t believe it’s been 5 years already…where does the time go…how does it go so fast and then I’ve wondered how I’ve kept going sometimes without my girls…5 years without A, who’s birthday it is today and 3 years without K…how has that much time passed…

While my Dad and I were talking we were remembering the dreary weather that weekend 5 years ago when A was born and I remembered for the first time in quite some time…some parts I’ve blocked out…of the pain and the emotions I felt and how it was for me when I went home alone without my little girl and woke up that first morning after alone without her too…and now I understand why I haven’t remembered and have blocked those memories and emotions out for a while like I have…cause having thought and remembered them now…brings it all back and my heart is hurting again *sighs*.

I can’t believe she’s 5 years old today and going to start kindergarten this year and she’s growing up without me…oh I knew this is what I signed up for when I placed her…but it just hits you different on their birthdays for some reason…

I still remember sitting by her in the nursery when I couldn’t sleep and how she was having trouble sleeping that night too so I stayed with her a while and how her little hand wrapped around my finger and then she could sleep.  How could I not remember that powerful moment and memory…when I felt the strength of the mother/daughter bond with her little hand on mine and now she’s 5 years old…it just blows my mind.

I hope all her dreams come true and that she gets my birthday presents in the mail today.  I still have to write her birthday letter and e-mail it asap…I just wish it didn’t have to be so emotional and hard at times to write the birthday letters.

I’m already emotional…trying not to be ha ha…like it’s possible to not be emotional on their birthdays.

Anyway…I’m trying to think of things to say for the birthday letter…and like I wrote when it was K’s birthday in November…I just miss her…so much…and it seems like I’ve said it all before so I never know what else I can say other than simply I miss her so so much.

Happy Birthday to my little Princess…I hope all your dreams come true (((HUGS))) to you on your special day =).