Why do “bad boys” want “good girls”?

Okay so inquiring minds want to know, well, at least my inquiring mind wants to know.  Does anyone have an answer to this question?  Why do bad boys want good girls?  I’m curious here.

I mean I know some of the reasons why good girls want or are attracted to bad boys sometimes.  I know because I’m a good girl that has been with bad boys in the past.  Of course, now I’m no longer interested in bad boys because bad boys only cause heartache, pain and grief – at least for me that’s all they did. 

Now I’m looking for good guys, but still I keep coming across bad boys looking for and wanting to be with good girls.  I’ve had some people tell me some reasons why bad boys want to be with good girls.  I’ve experienced some of the why and the reasons with bad boys being with good girls myself in my past, but I want to know what you think.  What do you all think and say is the reason why bad boys want to be with good girls?

There’s the pat answer of opposites attract, I know, but I’m looking for other suggestions on answers to the question.  I’ve also had the answers given that bad boys want good girls because good girls usually aren’t as experienced and are more willing to experiment or so the guys think.  It was also said that another reason why bad boys want good girls is because there’s less chance/risk of dealing with diseases when they’re with a good girl because good girls are usually clean as far as STDs, diseases and such.  So, what other answers are there to the question of why bad boys want to be with good girls?

Now that I’ve outgrown my “good girl wanting a bad boy” stage, this doesn’t make sense to me.  It makes no sense at all when I see on peoples profiles on websites, “bad boy seeking good girl”.  I mean could they be anymore contradictory with saying “bad boy seeks good girl” or “good girl seeks bad boy” – it just doesn’t fit or make much sense to me.  Besides the fact that relationships between bad boy/girl and good girl/boy hardly ever work out in the end from what I’ve experienced myself and what I’ve known/seen with friends and other people.

So, what’s your thoughts on this “bad person seeking good person” thing?

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42 comments on “Why do “bad boys” want “good girls”?

  1. simply bad boys are attracketed to good girls because they have a good heart
    i mean if they had a bad heart they wouldve of hanged out with bad girls :)
    and good girls are too naive to be with bad boys its cause they cant see anyone in a bad way they think evryone is their friend :)

  2. bad boys are conflicted individuals that accurately understand there is no ultimate truth. good girls erroneously believe that there is an ultimate truth. so, bad boys are attracted to good girls to prove them wrong and move on.

  3. Here is my thought. Im not really a “good girl” because ive had my wild times. But im “good enough.” My boyfriend is a “bad boy.” He’s from nothing and im from a wealthy family. He says the reason he went for someone that is the exact opposite of him is because i would be a huge challenge and he knew that i would be true to him and sincerely care for him. No bad boy wants a bad girl because they are doing the exact same stuff. Bad boys need balance. They need that good and evil. Which is also why good girls like bad boys they need balance. That edgy-ness. That feeling of protection. That cocky-ness. Get what im sayin. It all about the balance!!!!

  4. I think it is a lot of the times good girls who want bad boys too. I am a “good girl” and im very attracted to “bad boys” because they are different then the rest. I also feel like a lot of the time the bad boy thing is just the act on the outside, but that they are actually good on the inside, which is what makes them so attractive… Good girls want to, in a sense, break bad boys, and find the goodness in them. They are like an obsticle, and once the raw exterior is undone.. they are a good boy, but your hooked because of all the effort you put into finding there better side.

    Also, good girls like to usually explore and be a little wild. They a lot of the times get sick of being so good, and bad boys give them the perfect chance to do what they desire.

  5. well i am talking to a bad boy on the phone who ive known for years but have not seen for a long time, since we moved from that area when i was 14, i am now 24. i always thought he was good lookin, but he was a definate bad boy, into drugs alcohol, sex, fights etc. i on the other hand was a good girl, but thru my years i got in trouble myself in the similar field,but have pulled myself out of it and gave my life to Jesus, i then had a very strong spiritual encounter which is shapin me nicely in to an aware person who TRIES to do my best. i talk with him and enjoy it.i find bad boys are quite open to talk about things other boys ‘dont get’ or dont know how to talk about. although he has pissed me off already. but i cant let go of him and i dont know why. he tells me nice things about myself and i want it and enjoy it. i find myself WANTING to mother him and nurture him although i feel maybe he will be like that forever.

  6. BAD BOYS WANT TO MAKE GOOD GIRLS BAD, WANNA MAKE ‘EM DO STUFF THAT THEY NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT, BAD STUFF, WANNA OPEN THEYR EYES SHOW HEM THE WORLD, TELL THEM THINGS POINTLESS TO SAY TO A BAD GIRL… OR JUST BORED OF THE REACTION. IT’S DIFFERENT SAYING “I LOVE YOU” TO A GOOD GIRL THAN TO A BAD GIRL, THEY’RE TOTALY OPPOSITE.

    P.S. This is MY personal oppinion of what i believe and feel…

  7. Thanks teresa that was an awesome post. I am so glad I found this place because everyone else is telling me that I am crazy and to forget him and he’s no good. But I can’t do that when I know that he loves me and he’s alone somewhere now I finally found him I don’t like things to end like that. Also I won’t try to change him but if he changes that would be great for him because the path he has been on has been a careless one for himself. It makes me so sad to realize that he doesn’t care about himself. And his friends don’t care about him either they watch him self destruct and are part of it because they get things out of it. But he said about me ‘You are my favorite’. All those complements how he brags about me to other people. I am so flattered and always grinning like a fool LOL. omfg this is my life but I expect adventures as a Sagittarius humanist truthseeker crazy adventures are everyday occurrences.

  8. I think every one has an inner bad in them like ”breaking rules’ ”having fun” ”doing stupdities” and just to have a little fun , discover , expeience , love.. and if they cant express that , they fall for people who can.SO if your good ull far for the bad because u have an inner bad inside of you but you cnt expess it like the bad one does, BUT if your bad u”ll fall for the good because you have an inner goodness inside of you but you cnt express it like the good one. BAD BOYS have experienced tuff worlds trying to fit in the society but couldnt , disobeied, thats why they’ve turned bad , and they know that, and im sure they wouldn’t wanna stay that way, they just want HELP, ATTENION, MOTIVATION someone who can just show them SOMETHING DIFFRENT someting BETTER and GOOD , to show them that they can be happy by not bein bad my point is they are intessted in goodgirls because THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT ARE REAL, IN THE BAD BOYS ”BAD WORLD OR ENVIRONEMENT”.

  9. Bad boys – in the sense of sexual promiscuity I suppose – want good girls because every man wants to marry a good girl and they aren’t an exception. They might hang around bad girls a lot, but if you ask them they don’t intend to marry any of those. They want a girl they know will be faithful to them and generally be what is conventionally considered a good wife.

    That’s my opinion anyway. Why good girls want bad boys is a mystery to me. It’s common but it makes little sense to me.

    • I have both good and bad girl qualities but I grew up w/ emotionally unavailable parents and abusive parents. I can relate to guys that came from a broken home but I always wanted good guys. I discovered that looking for a good guy puts me in a vulnerable situation if I think they are good I put them on a pedestal and that never works out. It seems to me bad boy makes more effort to be in my life. THere was a thief/addict I was seeing and I really liked him there was also a good guy there. In the end I realized the bad boy didn’t lie about who he was g or tried to hold anything back. I judged him an awful lot I was mean to be him but then again I know I am screwed up. I can only really care about men that I pity. I don’t know if it means they are bad boys but it means that they’re screwed up. The good guy turned out not to be so wonderful. I have a new appreciation for the bad boy now I think he can make you feel loved where as other men treat you like furniture. Bad boy needs you sometimes he needs redemption and I have a feeling that I am supposed to overcome my childhood problems so that I can help him with his.
      Maybe in the future he will haunt me now. It is always like the last time I spoke to him he pissed me off I decided not to see him and it has been months I don’t even know if he’s alive his phone is off the hook. He hates himself and he makes me mad so I can be abusive towards him. Emotinoally alot of things are missing in his life his dad is dying of cancer his life is wasting away with the worst drug imaginable. I know what codependency is that is how I kept from falling for him also I dind’t want to be accessory to a crime.
      But my heart is there because I know that even if he thinks he doesn’t need me he does. He pretends alot that he’s tough. I can always go up to him give him a hug and he won’t do anything for a while but I won’t let go and he will give in. Always trying to hide how he really feels always making me mad or jealous.

  10. you know the real reason why is all about the pyschology. bad boys are bad boys because they broke away form their mother in childhood and were discipllined by their fathers very well and directed in the way of being a man by their fathers. as the oedipus complex explains the boy wants and seeks approval of the mother and wants her to himself, but when that fails and he is continusley diciplined by the father and not given the motherly love that he so desires in childhood, he develops into someone who who is hard tough, challening, inherently becomes all of the traits of the bad boy, when you think about it is all about his EGO!!!! as he grows up he can not take girls who are so nice because they remind him of his mother who he so deseired to be close to when he was little. unconsciously he is scared of these girls. he likes them but he doesnt know why, and he can not be close casue that is his fundamentally biggest fear, so instead he acts with those women like what we al think as a man should act, he acts challening acts likke they arent good enough cocky, confident, and uinconsciously these good girls have kind of the same thing goiong on and they are unconsciusly attracted to him. its the truth

  11. bad boys want good girls because of their ego. men are allowed to cheat. women are not. women belong to men. (so they think)

  12. everyone has a valid point here.

    i agree with all of you.

    i had been talking to some “bad guy” (plays in a band, skateboards,has had sex since the eigth grade, doesnt give a flip about school although very smart) for a few months and i knew he never took anyone seriously so i never really payed attention to him. he told me he liked me though, all the time, and i told him i didnt because at the time i was into this really nice guy. sexually, i was very driven to the “bad guy”; not emotionally attached.
    I guess i fall into the category of “good girl”; catholic, my mom is a preacher, i’m really into school etc. I made it clear to the “bad guy” that I only wanted to stay friends but he was never satisfied with my answer, he kept on trying and so then he started having the effect on me and i kind of started falling for him, so we messed for a while and then things(making out or other naughty activities ;] ) kind of faded away after a few weeks. we never had sex but that’s what he left me wanting.

    honestly, i expected him not to talk to me anymore after the whole physical part of it ended but he still does talk to me alot. specially when i give him an attitude,he talks to me ignoring my lack of interest to see him at the moment. The whole situation has become confusing, ridiculous and energy comsuming. im guessing its his way saying “if this is over than im gonna have the last word.” I’m excited to know how things are going to end up though. He’s either not gonna rest until he gets sex or he’s just gonna stay friends with me? or stop talking to me? he’s like a project to me. He is graduating this year and i still have one year to go so i have a couple of months left.

    anyways, i just want to say that good girls and bad guys want each other because usually bad guys and good girls are strong minded people in opposite ways. the good girl is strong minded in her life choices and the bad guy is strong minded in himself, which is something the good girl lacks. she has been too busy playing the role steve was talking about. the role of fitting into the perfect character in society (in my case) to balance out her dad’s love for alcohol and him not being there half of her life.
    the bad guy on the other hand is strong minded in that he will go to a great distance to get what he wants at the moment, not caring about the people involved. he sees that a good girl achieves what she wants because of the characteristics of pure goodness,which he lacks, and feeds off of them.
    the “bad guy” brings out the inner selfish child that hides under the character the “good girl” plays in society. Probably the girl never had time to be selfish and free dealing with her father’s problems in her childhood.
    the “good girl” probably had to gain motherly characteristics having to cope with her mother’s distress the time her father wasn’t there. These motherly characteristics are either of the mother the “bad guy” lacked or the mother who he loves so much and can’t get enough of.

    I think it’s nature. in nature things balance out each other.
    the ying yang is the perfect example.

    bad boy and good girl balance each other out and i actually think its a beautiful relationship. It’s passionate, intense and full of life, and probably makes great sex but when things are intense they bring strong ups and downs and you have to think as a “good girl”, is it really worth my time if things aren’t going anywhere?
    Think about wha…sex?

    wow. this is the messiest thing i’ve ever written i think. i hope i made my point clear.

  13. I went out wit this guy that I met in one of my art classes. He was the typically bad boy who wouldnt listen to the teacher, did whatever he wanted, had that limping walk that i hate, and you know things like that….ME, well since im pursuing a career in Art, i’d always pay attention in class, took notes all the time, was in the College newspaper…blah blah blah….

    Idk how it happened but before i knew it, he was already taking me on a date….started really good, he was funny, charming, respectful. Time passed and he wanted 2 do it…we didnt bc I was not comfortable enough, he said he would wait till i was ready….@ this time he had already met one of my bestfriends and he knew a couple of things i had told him bout her…we ended everything, him saying he wasnt good enough for me…that i deserve better and stuff like that.

    He then started talking to my bestfriend ( neither of them told me nething till 2 weeks after)… but not even a month had passed and they had already done it and they were nothing….he left her rite away and now he’s been trying to get back wit me saying that he wants a girl like me…that he still cares and misses me, that im not the typical girl…that im different in every way, you know all those sweet words you like to hear from a guy…… And as much as I want him back in my life, I just cant do it….

    *I agree with the ppl that say that good girls are a challenge and its harder to get in their pants…but when they can’t; they go for the easy ones, get laid, and then they want to go back to the girl who is worth it. They expect us to take them back but aint gonna happen. We may be naive in many ways but not stupid enough to fall for them twice.

  14. Steve that is so true. I am 21, always lived a sheltered life, grew up in a conservative Christian family, and my dad was always absent emotionally and physically. My family is also struggling financially and are depending on me for financial help. So I’m bored and tired of the mundane life so I’m searching for something exciting. I don’t even have my own car right now. So to this day, I am very angry at my dad and family, and still have not gotten over it. I have rebelled, gotten drunk every time I drank, made out with with the bad boys etc, and gotten my nose pierced changed my image out of rebellion to the family and all they stand for. To this day, every single guy that I have dated has been a bad boy and has had a ton of the same characteristics as my father. A guy I am interested in right now is almost 6 years older than me, a local at a bar, and has been with several women in my case a “bad boy.” But he knows I’m a “good girl” and is using it to his advantage. See I was so overprotected and basically MADE to be a good girl and follow all the rules that I want someone who is wild, has really lived (cuz I sure as hell haven’t), and gives me quick attention that the other guys don’t. Therefore, I am strongly attracted to bad boys with an exciting life i never had while the nice guys I find boring, undriven, and frankly just dry and ugly. The bad boys are usually really attractive, fun, and spontaneous. They are also usually pretty good in bed and all aspects of sex. And truth is too, to answer the question, we “good girls” go for these guys cuz we want something different so bad we’re able to ignore the facts that they treat us badly, never return phone calls, only call us drunk a lot of times, try to control us, and are all-out jackasses. For me, I don’t like the good guys cuz I’m desperate and wild on the inside. They know that. On the contrary, the bad boys see that I’m emotionally unstable and needy for adventure and influential so they take advantage of that. See, I know all of this but I still run to them. And most of them don’t really give a crap about good girls. They just want to get in, influence them, then get laid.

  15. Here’s my take on why Good Girls go for the Bad Boys, and I think I’ve seen it written here.
    I think that It’s all about what seems “Normal” to the Good Girl. I would ask the Good Gilrs out there, what was your upbringing like? Was it chaotic, or abusive in some way? I think sometimes, good girls are good girls because they had to be. In dysfunctional families (unsually with a controling or compulsive/addictive personality type at the head), there are many roles that the children are forced to play, in order to survive. They are not conscious of the role they’ve chosen at all. I think Good Girls may be playing the Good Girl role, as a counterbalance to the “Bad Boy” father figure. ie: “If I’m GOOD enough, maybe then he will love me”.

    But the love from the father never comes (because he’s incapable?), so as the girl grows into adulthood, she’s got a hole in her heart, but she’s still playing the Good Girl role, because it’s now all she knows. There is the old conventional wisdom that we seek out relationships with a person just like the father or mother who we never made peace with.

    And for a good girl who had a distant/abusive father (ie:a Bad boy), the only guys who look “Normal” to her, are the guys who behave like her father. Good guys don’t seem appealing to her, or manly, because her male role model, her very idea of what a normal man should be, is a bad boy.

    Just my two cents… But it was bought with a lot of pain & turmoil in my own life, as I come from a dysfunctional/abusive family.

    – Steve

    • No. I am a good girl, still a virgin and waiting until marriage. I have always had self respect and wanted to be good and it was because I had such a loving family, especially my father. He was always the one I could talk to. I think it’s the opposite to be honest. I think the bad girls were the ones without a father figure. I am good becasue of my father and the love and wisdome he gave me. He always taught me to have respect for myself

  16. I agree with what was said about good girls sticking with the bad boys. The bad boys know this. They know that if they can get that one good girl hooked, she’ll be there as a safety net. He can then play and know that she’ll forgive him / make excuses for his behavior. If the girl is pretty as well, then that’s a bonus, as what bad boy would not want a pretty girl hanging on his arm, giving him kisses in public, and getting sex from? The bad boy seeks to emotionally manipulate the good girl so that he can get all the benefits without having to fully commit.

    I am currently attracted to a “good girl” who is twisted up in knots over a “bad boy”. I put “good girl” in quotes because she’s had her wild times too. She has 4 tattoos and 2 kids from a previous marriage to another bad boy who cheated on her. They got divorced, and so she hopped right into the relationship with bad boy #2. Early on in that relationship, she caught him in bed with another woman, and she tells me that he was like “yeah, we had sex, so what?” They split for 6 months, then got back together. Her parents don’t like him. Her friends don’t like him. Even her kids don’t like him that much (one said “I don’t like that you love him”, and I was there to hear that!). She does the “I love him” / “can’t help how I feel” thing. She’ll make excuses for his quitting his job without having something lined up first (“it was making him grumpy”). He’s now only working temp jobs. He’s in a band, has a tattoo, and is a source of “excitement” because of his artistic side. She has an artistic streak in her as well, so that is their “bond”, as it were.

    She now knows that I have feelings for her, and I was told “I’m with him now”. It’s like all of the complaining she does, she still does not have the assertiveness to stand up and say it has to change or she’s leaving. Either that, or she will not just settle and say that’s the way he is and deal.

    See, the “bad boy” knows this. Bad boys will know when they’ve got one girl hooked so badly that they can do whatever and she’ll still be twisted up in knots.

    He asked her to marry him once, and she declined. They “broke up”, then she cried and cried and they got back together. He knows she’s hooked.

    So, I wish she’d just go ahead and marry him if she’s not willing to do anything else. At least it will force the issue of him doing more things to help her with her house rather than spending his money on his band. It will also force the parents into accepting him as her choice, or they may take a stronger stand against him.

    Why do bad boys want good girls? Because they can be manipulated emotionally.

  17. I have mixed thoughts on this issue. It is something that really interests me. My current boyfriend is probably considered a “bad boy” by most. He was my first love in high school, we dated on and off for four years and recently got back together and became more “serious”. But since we first dated, he’s been with probably 20 different girls…whether it was dating them or just sleeping with them. And I only had one other boyfriend. I’m into church and family and yoga (lol), and he’s into drinking beer and getting in fights.
    Between every other girlfriend he’s had, he’s always tried getting me back. Usually he failed because I had another boyfriend who I was really serious with. But when things ended with the other guy, I decided to give this one another chance. He’s said numerous times how being with me makes him feel like a better person, and I’ve never quite understood that. Is it the fact that I’m such a “good” girl and he really does desire to be good? I think that’s part of it. I know that good always prevails over evil and there’s a certain feeling of lightness that comes from being good. And I know it’s been hard for him because he wasn’t taught as a child to be good, he was taught by example to lie and cheat his way through life.
    I don’t know. Talking about it makes me want to be a phsycologist, lol. I think everyone made really good points. I do think the idea that opposites attract is definitely legit. My other boyfriend I had was too much like me, so we clashed. It’s almost as if in relationships we need to have what the other person lacks. It keeps each person feeling like his/her strengths are important yet at the same time feeling at ease because the other person makes up for their weaknesses. It’s all about balance. Everyone has a little bit of goodness and a little bit of evil in them. My boyfriend brings out the wild and adventerous side of me while I bring out his tender side.
    I’m rambling! :o)

  18. My girlfriend of about a year and a half and I talked about this tonight actually.

    I don’t consider myself a “bad” boy, but compared to her family, and who her family is associated with, I am the devil lol.

    Lets compare her and I;
    Me:
    Play guitar in a rock band
    Skateboard
    Swear
    Have been drunk
    Have had sex
    I’ve kissed around 30 girls in my life
    Have been in fights

    Her:
    Religious-Mormon
    Choir
    Photography
    Rarely swears and if she does, to herself, and they’re the not-so-bad words haha
    Never sipped alcohol
    Virgin
    Kissed 6 boys in her life.

    See, this is how I see it. I’ve had my fun. I met this girl and fell in love. I respect her. She respects herself.
    She, on the other hand, has lived a sheltered life and I believe part of the reason she was origionally attracted to me, was because I am a way of showing her the outside world.

    You bring exactly what the other wouldn’t find in a like-partner, so its always a fun, exciting relationship. It does get hard at times though.

    Just my two cents

  19. i’ve done the bad boy thing for years, i get when you say they find you, because trust me i aint looking for them…
    A bad boy likes a good girl cause once shes committed she’s there for the long run, most times she won’t just run off with some any-man and she will nurture, care and listen to him, cause it aint just about the sex. When he does things wrong she won’t judge and they’re looking for that approval as much as they play up the arrogance,
    Most girls in this situation will say how when he’s with her its different, he’s not like that with her. Truth is he is more that likely playing up to her desires and securing her feelings making it harder for her to leave, putting the entire relationship on their terms.

    It aint worth the pain…

  20. bad boys want to be with good girls because , they wanna destroy their put negative things in their head teach bad things etc not only that but also to give the heart attack

  21. I read an article about good girl/bad boy – which ties in with the thought about bad boys and how they value themselves…that may add a bit more light
    http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_6_58/ai_99117938
    one of the paragraphs says:-
    But good girls aren’t alone in their attraction to the opposite end of the spectrum. Bad boys, experts say, are drawn to women that they identify as “good girls.” “One of the trappings which define a male’s capacity is the quality of the woman at his side,” says Ojikutu. “That mating choice profoundly impacts the man’s understanding of himself. Regardless of his class, the woman at his side must convey some indication of legitimacy and “goodness” that’s defined by society–virtue, nurturing qualities, faithfulness, the fear of God.”

    a piece of friendly advise….choose the lasting attributes of character (integrity etc) every time, over fleeting fun/passion which generally ends in heartbreak….. good luck….

  22. I think bad boys want goobd girls because they dont want the girl to ruin there reputation. If the boy dates a “bad girl” the girl could out do the boy.if you havnt noticed, good girls are also easier to take advantage of so the more they get from the girl if you know what i mean. I call myself a good girl and my man is bad, therefore he is all over me. a boy i know used to be dating this good girl and he wouldnt stop making out with her. on the bus he would place his head on her “chest” and her “lap” and wouldn’t move!

  23. I totally agree that bad boys like good girls because they see them as a challenge, a project if you will. Sluts will always be around they aren’t concerned with them, they will always be there when they need them. However, good girls are hard to find and everyone, whether male or female always wants what they can’t have; in this case it is sex with a good girl. Good girls don’t give it up that easily and during the time that they don’t give it up, these bad boys are relentless with constant phone calls, spending money, driving you and taking you places. Listen I’m not saying it is impossible to change a bad boy but if you try, I will say you are playing a game of Russian Roulette. I think that it is a rite of passage for a girl to go through her “bad boy” phase. I think it is totally normal especially when the girl is really young. Us women have to learn the hard way sometimes in order to appreciate the nice guys more. So nice guys when you do meet a girl that has been through her share of bad boys- you are most likely the one she will settle down with because she has said to her friends “I want to find myself a nice guy”

  24. im a good boy and i think its cause as ashamed as i am to say it almost all guys(no im not gay) want to like bad girls cause they think theyll get lucky and the good girls (the ones i like)are all pretty but allmost all guys (again not gay) think it too easy / hard of a challenge all men want is hard to get thats all oh and funny too and all that other stuff (honesty be there 4 u ect.)

  25. That’s also a good point, Maria. I’d also kind of wondered about that theory sometimes too.

    So, I’m realizing there really are a lot of possible reasons or theories to this question.

  26. Okay…so here goes my theory: Women measure a great deal of thier succsess on the number and success of realationships they have formed-these realtionships can be both sexual and non-sexual. Men, on the other hand, measure a great deal of thier succsess on the number of conquestes they have had-conquest here meaning both personal and buissness related. Being involved with “bad girl” or a slut is an easy conquest and therefore not worth thinking about. Being involved with a “good girl” however takes skill and is difficult to attain. Men are looking for challenges and the bigger the challenge they conquer the better they feel about themselves.

  27. Yes, Christine, I do really think that “typical normal” isn’t really normal. It’s hard to define what really is normal because normal’s different for everyone.

    Well and people are really weird – everyone has their weirdness lol.

  28. Yeah.. I dont think the “Im not good enough” is limited to men… we just notice more. hahaha.

    It is just transferring the issue…. if he says the issue is the he isnt good enough for you, then it now becomes your problem and he doesnt have to acknowledege or work on his own issues. Defense mechanism.

    Im freudian… blame the mother. *wink* (To a point)

    The adoption thing just adds to it. I think it is strange on the front that there are “happy” adoptees on the board… but reflecting… all the adoptees that I have ever met have grown up in what they feel is an abusive environment…. whether it be physical or emotional. And have abandonment issues.

    So strange that there is so much push for the “there is no difference” theory.

    Anyway.. Im going to just save that all for when Im a professional… Brenda seems to have a firm grip on that corner… and anyone else is just a speculative lay person trying to feel like they are doing the right thing.

    I get the constant dealing with it thing. I am right there, too. Do you really think that “typical normal” isnt really normal. Ill be glad to hear that… because I think people are really weird. hahahahah!

  29. um, i usually see it the other way, the good girls who wants the bad boys, but with age comes experience and i will give you some of it.. for me, and others may be different, its the madonna-whore issue.. not madonna the artist-singer-actress whatever, but madonna as in mother of Christ.. most men will want a “good” girl on the outside who is only “bad” or naughty with him.. many people said this was shown in the tv show gilligans island, where ginger played the naughty part and maryann the sweet..

  30. While not trying to deviate too much from the discussion, let me take a one step ahead and describe another common personal observation. Good person seeking Bad peron when it comes to marriage.

    Have you seen gorgeous girls married to hideosly looking guys? Why is this so? The answer parly lies in the fact that the *some* (repeat, some) female species want the total control of their spouse. They fear the fact that if their hubbly looks hunky more girls will be attracted to him, so some of them unconciously fall in to this line of reasoning.

    Imagine the times you’ve come to think of “Gosh, can’t she find a really attractive man to wed with”. Same line of reasoning apply to men also. But the male percentage is too low compared to the females. There may not be scientifically proven statistics for my argument but it’s just that one of my personal observations.

  31. Oh my gosh, that makes a lot of sense too. I swear that’s part of what happened and what it was like with my ex-husband – what you’re saying about him not being “good enough” and then saying “he wasn’t good enough for me” – he did that, he said that.

    Well, I mean he wasn’t good enough for me either, but that’s because he chose to not be good enough for me, if that makes any sense. He also has lots of personal issues he wasn’t dealing with that needed to be dealt with like adoptee issues. I never did tell you he was an adoptee, did I?

    Ironic when I think about it now that I was married to an adoptee who was raised with abusive adoptive parents and then continued the cycle and abused me. Most of his issues had to do with being adopted, his abusive adoptive family, feeling abandoned by his biological mother and so many things.

    I just think it’s ironic now because now I’m a mother who’s placed two girls for adoption and I was married to an adoptee with issues. I mean it’s ironic because I understand so much more now about him and his issues from being adopted etc. then I did when we were married, ya know.

    Now I’m doing the tangent thing lol.

    Anyway, back to topic here lol, well yeah what really is normal? I mean normal for you is different than normal for me and personally I don’t think that “typical normal” is normal for most people.

    And yeah I think I get what you’re saying about having a hard time getting out of the pattern even though you know about your own personal self esteem issue and all. I feel and think like that at times too – it’s a constant thing I’m always dealing with, it seems.

  32. I think that a lot of it has to do with the reasoning behind them being a “bad boy”. That image probably came about because of something missing — what surfaces in the good girl. The relationship may actually fall apart because he self destructs due to not being “good enough” (in his mind) then proving that he isnt good enough… just to come full circle and say “Well I wasnt good enough for you”.

    So in short… he is trying to fill the gap with what he THINKS is missing… when really it is his own issue that he has to deal with. But like us… the question is.. what really is normal.. right? Why cant we break the cycle.. well for me it is quite simple. typical normal is not my normal (ever) so it feels wrong. While the chaos is normal. And if they arent chaotic they must be hiding something.

    I personally dont know how to get out of that pattern of thinking.. even knowing that it is my own personal self esteem issue.

    Ok sorry.. tangented.

  33. Yeah, those are some good thoughts. A lot of what you say makes sense and when I was saying about the bad boy/girl and good girl/boy relationships not working out – I wasn’t meaning that as fact just kind of thinking out loud based on my own experiences and such.

    The point you make about guys thinking the girls are more naive and easier for them to control is a good one that I hadn’t thought of, but I have experienced the control freak persona more than once with guys I’ve dated too.

  34. These are my thoughts. I’m a good girl who is perpetually with bad boys. It is difficult and I haven’t broken the cycle. Anyway, I believe that bad boys don’t like their own qualities and therefore avoid anyone with similar qualities. If it’s a matter of sexuality, they are sometimes ashamed of their own desires if they’re at all kinky, often because it leads to promiscuity and these bad boys don’t want a girl they’ll have to worry about. Sometimes bad boys even think that good girls, having less experience, are more naive and easier for them to control as most bad boys are control freaks. Also, you mention that “relationships between bad boy/girl and good girl/boy hardly ever work out” and the fact is that any time bad boys = bad relationships and bad girls = bad relationships, regardless of whether the person they’re with is good OR bad.

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