‘Waxing Philosophical’ or just random thoughts…

I was thinking yesterday how I love music and I should listen to it and dance again like I use to…but then after listening to some music…I remembered part of why I don’t listen to it as much anymore…it gets me thinking too deep of thoughts and going down memory lane or things that sometimes leave me somewhat melancholy…

Strange how music can do that to you, isn’t it…I just found myself pondering all sorts of things…deep things that even hurt my head when I think about them too much or too often like what the bigger picture is that I don’t fully see yet…like what all my part is to play in it…thinking of the future, the present, the past and how it all fits together and how it all makes me who I am so I can do my part here.

I’ve been remembering how much fun I had when I was younger, when I went out dancing with my friends all the time, when I and life was more carefree to an extent it seems…geez reading and writing these thoughts makes me feel older somehow and not just older by age…older in my soul…ya know.

Thinking of how it’s interesting to me how things have all come together for me to get to this point of where I am in my life even all the ‘mistakes’ I’ve made all worked together to help me progress in life somehow. But since God knows all things…He knew I would do everything I’ve done…so were my ‘mistakes’ really all mistakes or essential to my part here…oh I know some of them were ‘mistakes’ or wrong choices…but part of each ‘mistake’ was not really a ‘mistake’ cause it lead me somewhere I needed to go and be and taught me many much needed lessons in life…and of course, I’m not done yet…I wonder if I’m even halfway yet…hmm my head’s kinda hurting…=p.

I feel something coming again…I’ve felt this way before…I’ve had this happen before…I’m not sure if it’s really good or bad, but rather it just is…is the best way I can describe it…something is coming in my life and something is waiting or maybe it’s someone (maybe it has to do with having a child that will be my first to keep and raise…) but I feel it’s even more than what I can grasp with my brain right now…whatever is coming…it will be both good and bad and will put me out of my comfort zone…I’m not sure I’ll totally like whatever it is…but I know it should be good for me…

It’s like there’s something right in front of me or around me that I can’t quite reach or see, but I know it’s there waiting…if that makes any sense.

I think my ramblings and deep thinking here is getting a little too weird now…maybe after a little while longer or something…I’ll understand this feeling better…

Little Update on My Visit…The beginning of transitioning from semi-open to more open…

with my 4 1/2 yr. old’s parents…it was on Saturday afternoon, May 16, at their house.

Okay so I went to the jewelry show at their house and it was a really good experience/visit for us . Hubby went with me cause he really wanted to meet them and wants to be involved and is very supportive of it all too.

If I had to sum it up in one word…I’d say it was ‘wild’, I guess…cause it was good, but it was also a little weird, but mostly just different and not what I expected while being what I expected at the same time, if any of that makes any sense lol .

The thing I keep saying when I talk to family/friends about it…is that the weirdest thing about it all…is that it wasn’t that weird at all. It was the weirdest thing because it was so normal and natural to me – being there with Hubby and all of us and the way we interacted.

It felt like I was coming home…to another part of my family…I just felt like I fit right in and that Hubby fit in as well too. It was just really great and we had a lot of fun talking and hanging out etc. for 2 hours or so and then talked about our plans to go out for lunch too and what not.

There was a few minutes I kinda freaked out and felt sorta like I couldn’t breathe so well though. It was when we’d been there for a little bit and my 4 1/2 yr. old’s mom was like oh I better go get her from the neighbors and she left to go get her and Hubby and I were sitting there going uh what do we do? We were like should we stay or not cause we weren’t sure if we should be there when my 4 1/2 yr old was going to show up back with her mom…but we didn’t want to leave without saying bye etc. to her mom…so we waited for a few min and then the door opened and I slowly turned to look as my 4 1/2 yr old’s mom comes walking back in (I was reminding myself to breathe lol).

Anyway, she walks back in and is all well, I went to get her and she was sitting watching “Beauty and the Beast” and eating a popsicle and she was like why are you here and didn’t want to come home yet…so she didn’t bring my 4 1/2 yr. old back home since she wanted to finish watching the movie and eating her popsicle so then I was like to myself, okay I can breathe again lol.

Then we sat and talked with her and everyone there, who was mostly family who knew about me for a while longer. She also showed me a little tour of their house and we went in and looked around at my 4 1/2 yr. old’s room and stuff too.

So, another part/different stage in the whole friendship/relationship with more openness in my adoption world has begun with one of the families…and we’ll see where things go…and then how long/when I’ll take this step with my 6 yr. old and her family…and then when I’ll start seeing both my girls and having one on one time or what not…it’s all a WILD ride…and I’ve been processing a lot since hanging out with them on Saturday and coming thatclose to seeing my 4 1/2 yr old for what would have been the first time since I placed her…it’s all really great and all…but it can also be a little overwhelming.

I’m beginning to get a glimpse and some more understanding of what all the people mean when they explain visits, their relationships etc., who have been in totally open adoptions from the beginning…and I know I still haven’t seen either of my girls…yet…but I’m starting to get more of an idea of what it’s like and what all the open adoption people mean when they talk about their visits and everything.

I also realized that my 4 1/2 yr. old’s family is just an ordinary fun and normal family…I mean I realized…I’d had them up on a pedestal so to speak in my mind, but then hanging out with them I realized…they’re just like me…they’re no better and no worse…they’re just another normal family and the only difference is that they were ready and meant to be my 4 1/2 yr. old’s parents and I wasn’t ready or meant to raise her, but neither of us is better than the other…it was kind of like another level of a light bulb turning on for me regarding how both them and the parents/family of my 6 yr. old aren’t any better or worse than me…and I’m not any better or worse than them because I made the choices I did or placed my girls with either of them…I don’t know…does that make any sense…anyway just some of my thoughts/feelings about the visit since I’ve had a few days to process now .

Oh…and another thing…it helped reinforce once again…that I did the right thing when I placed my 4 1/2 yr. old and also my 6 yr. old and that they are where they are suppose to be with their families and I am where I am suppose to be in my life right now too…it wasn’t that I needed it reinforced, but it was there just the same and it was a really AWESOME time hanging out and talking with them.

I’m excited to go out to lunch with my 4 1/2 yr. old’s mom on May 28 now too and excited about this new door being opened and this new stage of openness with us and how our relationship is going to continue to evolve …I’m really excited about the future of my friendship/relationship with my 4 1/2 yr. old’s mom, my girl and their whole family – they’re all really COOL people that I connect with really well .

Weird, how things happen, isn’t it?

Okay, I’m freaking out a little right now…in a way that I’m sitting here calmly while inside I’m shrieking and reminding myself to breathe lol.

I was just doing stuff around the house and left the room and came back in and found a message popped up on my Facebook chat from my 4 1/2 yr. old’s mom that said, hey, do ya wanna come to my jewelry show on Saturday, as in this Saturday at her house and I let out a high pitched squeal so Hubby asked what was up so I told him and he started laughing at me :p.

Anyway, so looks like Hubby and I are going to drop by to say Hi at their house on this Saturday around noon. I’m going to stay for an hour or two for her jewelry party/show and to talk or whatever, but Hubby’s not sure if he’ll stay or just meet her, say Hi and then go and come back to pick me up later or what, but yeah I’m freakin out a little here.

My 4 1/2 yr. old won’t be there, she’ll be next door at their neighbors, but still…that came as a total surprise to me and me with my brain and freakin out here was thinking a little bit ago…what if my 4 1/2 yr. old is outside playing, what if she comes home early or for an emergency or something…what if for some reason I did see my 4 1/2 yr. old when I go over to their house for the jewelry show this Saturday and then I was like and so what…if she’s okay with it and would like me to come then I go and if I saw my 4 1/2 yr. old, then I’d deal with it (emotionally speaking mostly), but chances are high with the way our relationship is going that I’ll be seeing my 4 1/2 yr. old before too long at any rate anyway.

And ya know, if it was my 6 yr. old and she knew I was coming, she wouldn’t go to the neighbors house cause she’d most likely want to see me, but this is my 4 1/2 yr. old and she doesn’t quite understand or get the concept the same way as my 6 yr. old yet. Anyway, my 4 1/2 yr. old won’t be at the house so if it happened, it would just be on accident/by chance.

It Was a Good Mother’s Day This Year =)!!!

I had one of the best Mother’s Days this year around. For the first time in quite a while, I didn’t really dwell on it being Mother’s Day and what I was missing out on with not being with my two girls I placed or having mixed and hard feelings like I often do in association with the holiday known as Mother’s Day.

So, I’m making progress…still…in life and with healing etc. after having placed my two girls. That’s not to say that I didn’t think about either of my girls and their families because I did…it’s just to say that I enjoyed time with my husband and his parents since we went to visit his mom, who is awesome by the way, for Mother’s Day.

I had a good, fun and relaxing day and wondered about my girls and their families and what I’d get from them, but I didn’t get down or angry or have mixed feelings about it…not that that part of my emotions in regard to my girls and all will completely go away, but it’s progress for me. And it was nice, in a way, to just enjoy and be happy and not even really think about the fact that it was Mother’s Day this year…I mean, ya know what I mean =p.

I did just get a package and a card from my 6 yr. old and her family today/yesterday. The package was a book from her family and the card was from my 6 yr. old – she wrote a little note and signed her name and her parents signed their names too. I was just really excited cause I got pictures with the card and she wrote the note, wrote she loves me and signed her name all herself – pretty cool, don’t ya think .

I haven’t got anything specific from my 4 1/2 yr. old and her family yet, but I’m friends with her mom on Facebook so we have posted and talked with each other recently =). She’ll be getting her Mother’s Day present from me today and when I talked to her a few days ago, she was still trying to decide about Mother’s Day gifts…all I want/need is pictures of my 4 1/2 yr old…I’m not hard to please that way . We’re also planning to talk and see if we can get together and hang out so good stuff there.

My hubby got recommended for a promotion at work too and I’m going to get a Kindle – YAY, hopefully, soon and then we’re getting a lot closer to be able to moving out on our own soon – finally – hopefully sooner than we think. For the time being…to make things a little better…my parents are going away…out of town…for a couple weeks…leaving in the next day or two – YAY! Then around the time my parents come back into town…we’re going out of town again for 4-5 days to a fancy hotel for our one year anniversary, if you can believe we’ve been married that long already – YAY!

Then we’re probably going to end up going back to visit his parents again in a while and I’m planning to go and finally meet/hang out with a friend in Phoenix, AZ area this summer, as soon as we move out, then my hubby says I can leave and do whatever I want…but I can’t leave him alone while we’re leaving here with my scary mom in the house lol…which for more than just that reason…I wouldn’t want to go until we’ve moved out too though.

Anyway, lots of things happening and good stuff going on here…oh and I guess I should post some of this to the family blog we have ha ha. Hubby is also going to be going back to school online this fall…that’s pretty much for sure…and I’ll be applying and seeing if I can start back to school online this fall too and stuff…so we’ve been busy with life and getting things to happen…which, they’re finally starting to happen now – YAY!

And if you couldn’t tell…I’m a little hyped up right now…cause hubby just came home from work and told me about his promotion recommendation and just before that I got the cool Mother’s Day card from my 6 yr old. with pictures and now I’m typing all this getting excited about life and things happening and all lol.

Side note here…sitting here typing and a bird just kinda crashed/bumped into the window and then flew off lol.

I’m really excited…

cause I just talked/chatted online with my 4 1/2 yr. old’s mom and it was awesome .

We haven’t talked or seen each other since I had and placed my girl with her at the agency so yeah it’s been 4 1/2 years since I last saw and/or talked to her. We added each other on Facebook and chatted online just like really great old friends who hadn’t talked for a while.

I’m just really excited cause it was great and I love her…she’s so awesome and we were talking about all sorts of things with life and mentioned about getting together to hang out sometime in the future…so we’ll see when that happens and what not…but for now this is another step for us in regards to being more open, but also another step for us in our friendship.

YAY for me! I just had to share and I know I have other things to update on, but for now I have to try to calm myself down to go to sleep in a little bit here – ha ha.

I know…

Bad me…I wasn’t planning to let it go this long before I posted here again, but ya know how it goes sometimes.

I did start another blog for a family blog for hubby and I now too, but haven’t written much over there yet either.

Anyway, life is good even though we’re still getting things settled with finances and all. I haven’t had a whole ton of things happening, well, maybe I have, but nothing majorly exciting =p.

My oldest girl I placed will be turning 6 yrs old already in a little less than two weeks – not sure what I think/feel about that…other than I can’t believe she’s already 6. Where does the time go, ya know.

I have to put together her birthday package and get it mailed asap and I’m trying to figure out the perfect thing to get her, ya know. I mean I guess I feel more pressure because she’s 6 and she pretty much knows who I am now and she likes to say Hi to me in the e-mails and all so I know she reads/has read to her whatever I write now and that makes me feel a little more pressure, if ya know what I mean.

It’s a whole new ball game when they’re old enough to start understanding more who you are and they can read/write and want to talk to you/send you stuff and it’s not you just writing to her to read someday or whatever, it’s you writing to her to read right now and it’s a little scary sometimes. I mean you can see why I’d feel a little pressure right =p.

Anyway, my relationships with both my girls and their families are still really good and have actually improved/become a little more open since I got married last year – eeek – can you believe I’ve been married for 9 months now and end of May it’ll be a year already.

We’re hoping to finish getting things where we want with finances soon and be able to start our family a little later this year. That will be exciting, nervewracking and everything all in one for us to have a baby when we do – and there’s a whole other post I could write on that =p.

I’ve been reading a lot of books lately and enjoying them as well as playing with the Wii still and fun computer stuff. Yes, my hubby finally got me to try out WOW (that’s World of Warcraft) and I’m into that now too =p.

I’ve also been having fun with cooking lately – in fact I just made some yummy brownies and peanut butter cookies earlier tonight.

Anyway, just wanted to write a quick note and I’ll try harder to get back to a more regular update schedule on here.

But yeah I’m still here and doing good =).

And you thought I might have disappeared…ha ha

Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I’m still here.  I just haven’t felt like blogging a whole lot and been busy with married life and just life in general for the past few months.

Anyway, can you believe I’ve been married for 3 months already now?  Where does the time go?  I’ve been thinking about and have discussed with the hubby about having a family blog for ourselves separate from this blog of mine and so in the next few  months or so after we move out or maybe a little before we move out…we’ll probably set up more of a family blog for ourselves.  Ooo, isn’t it exciting…branching out into the big ol’ blog world with a family blog for hubby and I lol.

So, let’s see, what to write…I’ve been working on and doing the Wii Fit still to try to tone and get in better shape as well as possibly/hopefully losing some weight.

I’ve been reading lots…I read the last Twilight book and finished that series – LOVED it, of course.  I also have been reading the Dresden Files series and really enjoy them also.  I’ve also read “The Host” by Stephenie Meyers, Fablehaven series by Brandon Mull and a few others.  I’m almost done reading the last Harry Potter book, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” and I have “The Looking Glass Wars” to read and I’m getting quite a list of books lately.

I went and visited my family recently because I had to take care of some things and stayed up there with them for a week and then came back.  Hubby didn’t go since he was working at the local computer store.

We also went on a weekend to Southern Utah to check out places to work/live and go to school earlier this summer and had to fix an issue with my car before we could drive back…that was lots of fun ha ha – not.  We’ve actually been back and forth between down here by Lake Powell and Southern Utah this summer trying to figure things out with work/school and apartments.

I still get spoiled rotten by hubby and he doesn’t demand or expect me to do everything myself.  He still continues to love and accept me for me as well as accept my girls.  His family is also great about my two girls and his mom likes to hear about them also.  His mom even asked me for the most recent photos of my two girls and has put them up on her fridge and says she has no problem with claiming them as her grandchildren as well.  I think it’s really cool that she’s like that, ya know.

My 5 yr old just started kindergarten about 2 weeks ago, if you can believe it.  They just wrote me last week updating me on life etc. and sent me a picture of my 5 yr old on her first day at kindergarten.  She’s so adorable, of course, and getting to be so big now.  My 5 yr old typed or I should say attempted to type me a paragraph in this last e-mail last week, which turned out to be mostly nonsense, but then her mom translated it for me to my 5 yr old wanting to tell me about her first day at kindergarten and all.

It really was cute, special and neat that my 5 yr old wanted to type/tell me about her first day at kindergarten and stuff.  It also really hit home more about how she and my (soon to be) 4 yr old are really starting to understand and realize more who I am and that I’m an important part of their lives.

And so, I think that about sums things up for now.  I’m sure there’s quite a bit more I could say and catch up on, but I gotta go do dinner and possibly game time with hubby.  Plus I’m a bit more tired than I usually am today so I’m not sure how coherent this will come out if I try to write much more…who knows maybe this didn’t come out that coherent anyway lol.

So, life goes on and I’ll update again later…hopefully sooner than 3 months from now this time around .

Guess What?! Cool News Alert!

I just got an e-mail from my 3 1/2 yr old’s mom in response to the last e-mail I sent a week ago and she updated me on my 3 1/2 yr old etc. plus she said a few things that got me a little excited and hopeful for the future and a little more openness with us in the future.

She told me in the e-mail that she was going to come to my wedding reception but had a conflict with other plans but wanted me to know she was seriously planning to come because she thinks I might enjoy visiting with her once in a while – EEKK!!! I mean, I know it’s not her saying I’ll come with the family including my b-daughter with her to visit, but it’s progress.

We had discussed having visits/phone calls when/if we felt comfortable with it just between us as in the adults – between my 3 1/2 yr old’s parents and myself and now my hubby and now it’s sounding like that’s something that maybe happening sooner than I thought which will help our relationship more and then help with the basis for when my 3 1/2 yr old is older and wants to see me or what not.

She also told me in the e-mail that she wants me to let her know when I’m back in Utah/the area because she wants to see me and meet my hubby. I’ve just been staring at the e-mail reading it over and over for the last little while and pinched myself cause I wasn’t sure I was reading that for real that she’s talking about and wanting to do another step of openness with visiting with me and meeting my hubby and talking about how she thinks it would be fun for us to see each other and visit once in a while.

I don’t know…I’m just like EEEEKKK!!! I’m just a little excited about it and the possibilities this will start to open up with our relationship in the future, ya know and for the possibilities that this will open up for me in the future with my 3 1/2 yr old too.

Things are definitely progressing in the right direction for openness with both my girl’s families, but I’m a little ahead with the openness level with my 3 1/2 yr old’s family than my 5 yr old’s family, but I have a feeling that will change in a while too.

I just had to share, because it may not be me saying I’m going to see one of my girls, but it is me saying when we’re back in the area/get a chance I will be seeing my 3 1/2 yr old’s parents – at least for sure will be seeing her mom and I’m excited about that prospect because she and I are close and we have both wanted to be more open and visit with at least each other but have been holding off until we were both in a place with life etc. where we felt it could work.

Anyway, something kind of exciting I had to share with you all .

Could This Dream Mean Something?

I had a dream last night that was interesting…but I don’t know if it means anything or not…it was just weird…

Anyway, I dreamed that I went to an agency or somewhere like that and found a bunch of info about my birth nephew in a cupboard or something.  Then I was talking to my sister in the dream and she opened up a package or something of some sort that was suppose to have info on my birth nephew and there was his name and then also where he lived and a phone number.

My sister told me in my dream that there she opened the package and there was some info for me if I wanted to find out about my birth nephew, but I don’t know the dream was disjointed and weird like a lot of my dreams often are…so I don’t know if it meant anything or not.

It was just weird to have this dream pop up because I haven’t talked much about my birth nephew lately…for a while in the past I used to try to think what to do to see if I could find my birth nephew or what to do since my sister doesn’t really want to find him…I mean she seems to be okay with the idea of him finding her, but doesn’t want to seek him out or anything.  I’ve tried putting info up or thought of what to do to make it easy for him to find us, if he wanted, but I don’t know…it’s just weird that this dream popped up last night.

I haven’t had info out there actively or anything for him to find for a while because I was on a website and one of my psycho exes found me so I took myself and info off that website and haven’t thought about or done anything else in a while.

Oh but the dream got stranger because I remember a name from it like Brian or something and wouldn’t it be weird if that was actually my birth nephew’s first name or something and I remember something about Arizona or something…which would be weirder if he and/or his adoptive family really did live in AZ.

Then in the dream, my cell phone, I think it was, anyway a phone rang and it was a lady asking if we’d found the info on my birth nephew and checking to make sure we had the right phone number to call so we could talk to him and/or his adoptive family, then we talked for a minute on the phone in my dream and then hung up.

I remember having an interesting conversation with my sister in my dream about whether to call/find/reunite with my birth nephew and her birth son or not because I was nervous about it because I was nervous about what it’s going to be like when I meet and talk with my girls again when they’re older too…I don’t know…like I said the dream was interesting to say the least, but it’s stuck with me today and made me wonder if there’s some meaning to it…I don’t know…what do you think?

Anyway, just some rambling, wandering thoughts to think about for myself…

Today is My Wedding!!!

Yep, I can’t believe it either…but today I’m getting married…for the second time technically…but for the first time as far as it really mattering in the long run.

I’m freaking out, but hopefully everything will work out and go fine.

I’ll update with pics etc. in a couple weeks or so after we’re back from the honeymoon and a little more settled into our new lives as newlyweds in the place we’ll be living in AZ.

Hope everyone’s doing good!